Serenity

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Re: Hardware problems vs Software Problems

Postby Dreams End » Thu Dec 29, 2005 4:02 pm

Talked to Debbie. She's doing better. Her psychiatrist is a very honest sort and when she raised all of these issues of crappy care, he simply admitted that her observations were correct. He only wants her to stay so another day so he can make sure the dosages are correct for her (she has pretty idiosyncratic reactions to medications. One anti-psychotic, for example, gave her hallucinations one time.)<br><br>She sounds much better, though. I've been rereading her high school and college journals. It's interesting. No real evidence of multiples, but it really looks like a particular part of her is always the one journaling. INCREDIBLE promiscuity and obsession with boys/men. Immediately refers to "falling in love" upon simply meeting someone new.<br><br>But what's interesting is what's NOT in there. A list of 24 men she'd slept with freshmen year of college, but no mention of her first sexual experience. No mention of her 16th birthday, which her family simply had forgotten...just zips right past that date. INCREDIBLY depression, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts.<br><br>What's also interesting is that I know some of the stories in there that she's told me about..but her present day version of these stories completely contradict what I see in these journals. I think she has a completely false view of much of her own past...and I'm not even talking about the painful stuff. <br><br>I see so clearly in these journals how much she yearns to be loved and how sex is her substitute. Deep, deep loneliness, alienation and desire for acceptance and love. <br><br>At the same time there are NEVER any specifics about any of the hurtful things from her past so there's little "confirmatory" information there. She fights with her Dad but the only things she talks about are pretty typical adolescent complaints about him. Hints about mom but no details. <br><br>In fact, none of her siblings can ever give me details either. I asked her sister, who said that she'd told a therapist one time about some of the things her mom had done and said to her and the therapist replied "oh my God!", for the first time, confirming how messed up their mom really was. But when I asked her to give some specifics to me about the type of things her mom had done....she couldn't remember any. <br><br>While I still explore broader possibilities of ra type stuff, it's quite clear now that her mom, as someone DID herself, played some very cruel and manipulative games with Debbie, even when she was very very young. The mom will never be much help because since she hasn't really dealt with her DID or even admitted that alters could possibly have done anything wrong or cruel, she won't ever be able to even acknowledge any of this stuff happened. <br><br>And yes, sw, the stigma of mental health issues. Even when I tell someone I'm ADD (surely a relatively minor mental health issue) I get looks like "why would you talk about that?" Anything more severe is surely taboo....even INSIDE a psych ward. Oh, and note to universities...since DID is, in fact, in the DSM-IV, could you provide just a weeeeeee bit of training on the topic to future psychologists and therapists. I sure would appreciate it. <br><br>Sheesh. <p></p><i></i>
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DID

Postby sw » Thu Dec 29, 2005 6:42 pm

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Lack of memories

Postby GDN01 » Thu Dec 29, 2005 9:12 pm

When I was in my early thirties, I was going through a battery of psychological testing for the career I was in grad school preparing for. It was required of all students in this field. They were wanting to rule out the psychotic people. One "test" involved answering in essay form questions about different periods of life and relationship to parents. You were asked to characterize your relationship with your parents at different ages and write about formative experiences, and for many of the years below 19, I had no idea what to write. I realized, especially from age 5 to 10, I had very few memories. This greatly disturbed me because it seemed from the test, this was expected, that I should have an abundance of childhood memories. At this point in my life, I had gone to therapy to deal with being raped at the age of 17. It was two years later that I went back to therapy, and uncovered the earlier years of "something" - I've never fully remembered but all hints point to at least one, and probably more, experiences of RA. I wrote about this extensively when I first joined this board and don't care to go back over it. But it was in this round of therapy that I brought up this lack of memories - before we had connected the dots and figured things out. This lack of memories was something that led my therapist to explore early abuse. It was shocking and painful to realize that it was not normal to have so few memories. Before the age of 5, some people do not have lots of concrete memories, but after age 5, they do. I still don't have memories, and had to end therapy because I moved, and now have no insurance and can't afford the help I know I still need. It's been very difficult because we uncovered a lot of painful possibilities, and I have not been able to somehow put it to deal with it and put it to rest, in a theraputic setting - something I think I would benefit greatly from.<br><br>This past Thanksgiving, I had a very unpleasant interaction with my parents. I went to see my sister, who lives in the same time, and avoided my parents for the most part. This made them angry. The morning I was leaving, my parents came to my sister's house and my mom and I sat outside on the porch and talked a bit. My mom kept saying, "Go inside and hug your dad - go hug your dad before you leave..." When I was leaving, I hugged my mom and again she whispered in my ear "don't forget to hug your dad..." I am now 42 - and even as she was saying this, it felt "bad" to me. Then when I went to say good-bye to my dad, he began yelling at me for not spending time with them, cursing and angry. I immediately shut down, as I do when I feel threatened, and just turned around and walked out of the room. I was not going to stand there, as an adult, and be yelled at. It was clear he didn't want to have a conversation about why it is I avoid them now. He waited til I was walking out the door. And as I began driving down the road, I started shaking and crying. And I realized, that my mom knew good and well what my dad was going to do - and that was verified later, they had talked about whether dad should say anything and my mom knew he was angry. And she had sent me to hug him, anyway. It felt like once again, being offered up for abuse. I know this story doesn't sound like a big deal - I'm 42 and my dad yelled at me. But with my history, something was triggered. And it had more to do with my mom encouraging me to go hug my dad, than him yelling. I'm sharing this story here because the story of the sweatshirt made me think of it earlier - and how things that might not affect some people, can be devastating to someone with abuse. There's something about the sweatshirt that totally makes sense to me. I would throw it away if my mom sent me such a shirt. <br>My mom called Christmas Day, and pretended as if nothing happened at Thanksgiving, although I haven't spoken to either parent since walking out the door. And I could feel that door sliding shut in my head, and I, too, carried on a conversation with my mom, as if nothing had happened. And this angers me the most. I want to scream at my parents. I want to stop acting as if nothing has ever happened. And I can't, yet.<br> Maybe someday. <br><br>DE - I hope your wife is getting the help she needs, and she is lucky to have you in her life. Many people can't deal with this stuff. I've tried telling people, and most just don't want to hear it, and think I could get over it all, if I just stopped thinking about it. I only wish it were that easy.<br> <p></p><i></i>
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the pretending part stinks

Postby sw » Thu Dec 29, 2005 10:52 pm

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Re: the pretending part stinks

Postby Dreams End » Thu Dec 29, 2005 11:27 pm

<!--EZCODE QUOTE START--><blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr> I think places are garbage now because of the insurance companies and groups like FMS shutting down the places to heal.<hr></blockquote><!--EZCODE QUOTE END--><br><br>Yeah, if you call the facility in Michigan associated with Colin Ross now, they will give you the "we don't deal with memories" line. I kept asking what that meant. I mean, if they emerge, you just ignore them? "we don't deal with memories...we don't deal with memories." <br><br>I just got info on a private facility in Santa Fe. Here's the website. <!--EZCODE AUTOLINK START--><a href="http://www.life-healing.com/">www.life-healing.com/</a><!--EZCODE AUTOLINK END--><br><br> Anyone heard about it? There's not much info on the site specifically on DID but in the info packet there was a good summary page. While they, too, have the hedge language on memories (we don't worry about the reality, but they are symbols of your pain...) I got the clear sense that was legalistic, lawyer speak. I spoke with them and they seem very good.<br><br>However, it's about 20,000 bucks for the monthlong program. So, donations can be sent to.....<br><br>Actually, if Debbie has interest and they determine she's eligible I may hit her dad up for the cash. "Hi there, Debbie's Dad. I know she's not speaking to you right now...gosh darn it, can't figure out why either. Anyhoooo, I think this place I found could speed up the healing process and any eventual reconciliation (or, give her the strength to break off all contact, but see, you don't mention that part.)<br><br>It will have to be an outright grant of money. No loans. No strings. No contact (by him) with the facility or with Debbie. Think he'll go for it? He's pretty wealthy and I actually got the test of his mettle when I sent out the first email explaining all of this. I mentioned financial hardship and every OTHER relative offered money (which we refused...that part was aimed at the rich guy). He didn't even acknowledge that request. So, it may be a bit challenging...but having studied this family in detail for awhile now...I may be able to pull it off.<br><br>PLEASE let me know if there are any red flags about this place. I'm sorry the DID info on the site is not as complete as in the printed material (unless I missed it.) but the place should have a reputation one way or the other. To be honest, living in Santa Fe for a month with massages as desired would get her half way home anyway!<br><br>Thanks for sharing the various stories. While the details are so complex and overwhelming, the basic storyline about what cruelty can do and how much we need to feel loved and appreciated is really pretty simple. <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=dreamsend@rigorousintuition>Dreams End</A> at: 12/29/05 9:07 pm<br></i>
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-self delete- decided not to interrupt sw and dreamsend

Postby Hugh Manatee Wins » Thu Dec 29, 2005 11:44 pm

.<br> <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=hughmanateewins>Hugh Manatee Wins</A> at: 12/29/05 9:25 pm<br></i>
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New Mexico

Postby sw » Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:11 am

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Re: New Mexico

Postby Dreams End » Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:16 am

That is likely the same place in Santa Fe. They don't keep 24 hour psychiatric staff or have any way to do any kind of suicide prevention, so they do insist that the client be stable. Personally, I don't mind as this allows a less restrictive atmosphere. She could even wear shoes with laces!<br><br>Sorry to hear about the Ross deal. Glad we didn't go THAT route. <br><br>I have mixed feelings about Ross. I think he wrote a book on SRA that had a pretty confusing perspective on whether it was "real" or not, but I've only read reviews, not the book. <br><br>Bluebird was illuminating, but his continuing apologetics for the CIA ("The CIA was just doing their job, it is the medical professionals who are to blame") struck me as bizarre. Maybe just covering his ass, I don't know. Has anyone actually read his large, technical DID book? It's about 80 bucks so I've never ordered it.<br><br> <p></p><i></i>
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Ross' program in Dallas

Postby sw » Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:33 am

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Re: Serenity

Postby Dreams End » Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:08 pm

Boy did I hijack this thread! But thanks again to everyone. <br><br>And sorry, but I need to ramble a bit....<br><br>Just clicking around in my ADD way, I thought I'd offer up this link. I'd never heard of the "Leadership Council". Has anyone here heard of them?<br><br>I'm going to link to two pages on their site.<br><br>The first is a nice summary of various studies (and in case you didn't know it...there are a good number of these) that show that "recovered" memories of abuse, either spontaneous or through therapy, have as high degree of accuracy as continuous memories. <br><br>There's a particularly moving one that I'll excerpt. <br><br><!--EZCODE AUTOLINK START--><a href="http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/index.html">www.leadershipcouncil.org/index.html</a><!--EZCODE AUTOLINK END--><br><br>This excerpt actually doesn't qualify as a "study" but in a fluke, the original recollections of a six year old about abuse from her mom was on videotape as was an interview at age 17 after she'd forgotten nearly all of the details and began to remember them again before actually viewing the videotape from ten years earlier. <br><br><!--EZCODE QUOTE START--><blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>Corwin, D. L., & Olafson, E.. (1997). Videotaped discovery of a reportedly unrecallable memory of child sexual abuse: Comparison with a childhood interview videotaped 11 years before. Child Maltreatment, 2(2), 91-112.<br><br>This article presents a unique case involving the recovery of traumatic memory by a 17 year old victim of documented child sexual abuse. By happenstance, both the child's disclosure at age 6 and the young woman's sudden recall of the abuse at age 17 after several years of reported inability to recall the experience were captured on videotape. This article includes transcripts of the interviews at ages 6 and 17.<br><br>The case was originally referred to Corwin for a court-appointed evaluation of allegations of sexual and physical abuse. The father was accusing the mother of having sexually and physically abused their daughter (Jane Doe). Corwin had three interviews with the child and also met with both parents. The evaluation along with previous documentation (Jane was seen for burns to the bottom of both feet after her mother punished her by burning them) strongly supported the child's allegation of both physical and sexual abuse by her mother. Moreover, Jane made consistent statements regarding the identity of her sexual abuser and the nature of the abuse in all three forensic interviews. Her accounts included sensory detail and she reported detailed maternal threats not to disclose. In her first interview, her disclosure was spontaneous and not in response to a question directed to sexual abuse. In addition to the interviews, the records included protective services reports, court declarations by the parents, pleadings, court decisions, reports by prior evaluators and therapists, letters from Jane's parents, friends, and relatives, and Jane's medical records.<br><br>Parental behavior during the interviews was also consistent with the mother having abused Jane. Before each parent left the room, Corwin asked each one to tell Jane to tell him the truth about anything he asked her. The father did so with ease. However, instead of telling Jane to tell the truth, her mother asked her to repeat what they had been talking about that morning. Psychological testing of the mother was consistent with the mother having a dissociative disorder. In addition, psychological testing on Jane's mother indicated impulsivity, inadequate judgment, and problems with perception and thinking. The father's psychological testing indicated emotional constraint but found no problems with perception and thinking. Based on the weight of the evidence the court gave Jane's father full custody and denied visitation Jane's mother. <br><br>At age 16, Jane was placed in foster care after her father had a stroke and was placed in a nursing home. Jane's foster mother reported that Jane had a difficult and rebellious early adolescence. Jane resumed contact with her mother during this time. After her father's death, Jane, who no longer had any memory of the abuse, wanted a closer relationship with her mother. Her mother denied the abuse allegations claiming that Jane's father had pressured Jane to repeat false allegations so he could get sole custody. Confused, Jane contacted Dr. Corwin and asked to she the videotape of her disclosure at age six. Jane said: "I've chosen to believe that my real mom didn't do anything, even though I don't really remember if she did or not." <br><br>Before showing her the videotape, Corwin asks Jane to remember everything that she could about her interviews with him at age 6. Corwin asked her if she remembered "anything about the concerns about sexual abuse." Jane replied: "No. I mean, I remember that was part of the accusation, but I don't remember anything--wait a minute, yeah, I do." Corwin asked her what she remembered. Jane responded, "My gosh, that's really, really weird." This was followed by tears as Jane remembers the pain of her mother vaginally penetrating with her finger during bath time.<br><br>Corwin then showed Jane the videotapes of his interviews with her when she was 6 years old. After watching the videotapes, Jane believed that the child on the tapes was telling the truth, but she also wants to continue seeing her mother and wants to believe that maybe her mother hurt her accidently and that she made it out to be worse then it really was.<hr></blockquote><!--EZCODE QUOTE END--> <br><br>The second link is a particularly satisfying one to see. It's a critical look at the film "Capturing the Friedmans", a film I haven't seen, but which takes the rather odd position that a man whose son fully confessed to helping his dad abuse groups of young boys in their care for computer classes and to being abused himself, in fact did not commit this abuse. The reason I'm happy to see this debunking is that the filmmaker was also the one to write the article we saw on this site several weeks back allegedly from one of the McMartin victims now claiming that none of the abuse happened. This article was odd in that it was written by the filmmaker, not a reporter, and was in the LA Times magazine TRAVEL section. <br><br>While I want to be very skeptical of concepts I believe as well as those I don't, I smelled a rat with that article and even found that someone of the same name and age as the alleged "non-victim" had actually died several years previous. I contacted the LA Times but, surprise, they didn't respond. The rat was even more odiferous as I noticed that, despite its odd and lowkey placement in the travel section, the article took off like wildfire and was reprinted ALL OVER the internet. I'd actually searched the day someone posted the article and a few days later and in those few days, hundreds of reproductions had popped up everywhere. <br><br>So, anyway, I was happy to see this very scholarly looking site address the Friedman film.<br><br><!--EZCODE AUTOLINK START--><a href="http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/ctf/1.html">www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/ctf/1.html</a><!--EZCODE AUTOLINK END--><br><br>What the site does not do, as far as I can tell, is address RA issues. That's not to say that this type of abuse is not among the types examined in the various studies cited, but it isn't singled out as such. Sadly, it's unclear whether this is due to their skeptical attitudes, lack of knowledge, or fear that isolating RA as a subtype of abuse will discredit their other research.<br><br>I think we should not hold this against organizations that take this last line of thought. The good that is done by validating the memories of abuse, in the long run, is so helpful. I know that when I first started coming across these studies (as opposed to the vast number of studies showing how widespread false memory syndrome is...I mean I assume there are studies about this, given how prevalent the fear of it is...okay, maybe just a few studies....one? Come on...ONE freaking study? Oh, a study where they made some kids think they had once been lost in a shopping mall when they hadn't? That's IT?)<br><br>We can't be too hard on society for accepting the FMSF propaganda because, you know what, this stuff is simply too hard to accept. Within families, as I am seeing, siblings, for example, who love their sister very much simply refuse to believe certain possibilities. Debbie's sister can accept that their DID mom may have done cruel things to Debbie, but can't accept anything like that could have come from their dad. And I think when I gave her the vague idea of "cruel" she didnt' have in mind what I had in mind. <br><br>I make this little vow now. I'm a good writer, but due to ADD and various other "deficiencies" I've not made enough use of it. If I ever run across or have brought to my attention a case of RA (as opposed to "simple" familial abuse) that has some possibility of being corroborated, I will do all in my power to create a coherent investigative report on the matter. It's something I do really well. It would need to be someone willing to go somewhat public, however...and that may never happen. Completely anonymous accounts make verification by outside investigators impossible...though the best way to have it work would be to have a credible magazine back the story and have their own fact checkers and editorial standards in play. Then it could stay anonymous, I think.<br><br>In case anyone reading this is in the general southeast region of the US and might know of such a case, here would be some good criteria:<br><br>Access to childhood medical records<br><br>A portion, at least, of the memories should have been continous or recovered spontaneously outside of therapy (sorry, but got to head FMSF off at the pass.)<br><br>Access to childhood, adolescent journals (I just read all of Debbie's. I think one particular alter is the only one who wrote in these...and what's interesting is what's NOT in there. For example, as a young adult, she was raped. It gets half a page. That's it.)<br><br>Siblings who might talk.<br><br>Memory of specific locations of abuse (we're talking RA involving non family members)<br><br>Memory of specific people involved.<br><br>It probably shouldn't be a case with claims of extremely high level perpetrators as I could never get access to them and it would diminish credibility of the reports. And, it could get me killed. But lower level involvement would be easier to prove and at least establish that the pattern exists. The ones that usually make the news in the US are of marginalized groups such as in Ponchatoula, LA (though aren't there hints of higher level involvement.)<br><br>The case should not already be known. One thing I am now ready to say I definitely believe is that certain operatives get assigned, on higher profile cases, to muddy the waters. They do this two ways. First, by finding legit cases and alleging and "proving" things that go way beyond the evidence (regardless of their accuracy) and thereby discrediting the case. Second, by grabbing onto cases that are not legitimate and promoting them. Yes, I'm talking about Ted Gunderson, but I'm afraid I might be talking about DeCamp as well. I'm still open to the idea that Decamp is completely legit and surely there's a LOT of fire with that smoke in Franklin, but when the whole case started getting tied in so neatly to the Gosch case, I got suspicious. <br><br>The victim should have a very good therapist who is strong and believes the victim but does not necessarily make a general practice of working with such cases (heading the FSMF off at the pass again.)<br><br>I don't know if anyone will know of such a case that fits these criteria. It's something I'd really like to do, if it's ever possible. How to establish initial trust with a victim willing to go through this I don't know. We have a friend who is DID and I have a suspicion she might even be such a person but I've yet to talk with her in detail about her background. And there's always the chance that Debbie's case goes beyond the family, though there has been absolutely no evidence so far that this is the case. And BELIEVE me, I look for it. If I ever did find such evidence, I would rip that case apart like a freaking pit bull.<br><br>I know I'm rambling. Debbie comes home today and I just feel so freaking powerless that I want to find ways to be of some service to others in this regard. So all of the above is a "fantasy" I've had for awhile now. You guys know what I'm like when I'm trying to track down information. And on this board, it's simply web-searches done when I have a little time. There's a whole lot more information that can be accessed, along with personal interviews. And the cool thing is, if I ever DID come across such a case, I think there are folks on here who'd have tips about places to look for corroboration. <br><br> <p></p><i></i>
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Hugh Manatee Wins

Postby sw » Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:22 pm

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Re: Hugh Manatee Wins

Postby Dreams End » Fri Dec 30, 2005 5:26 pm

I started to move this thread off topic, so I think the topic is now simply any reflections or experiences people have related to DID/family abuse issues.<br><br>Debbie is back and actually her last day went very well...there was one particular nurse who was at the core of much of the problem and the patients feel they may have actually succeeded in getting her fired! <br><br>I have mixed feelings about Adventists, but not really as caregivers. Their religion is so health focused that I was really shocked at the poor quality of treatment. However, the holidays led to an overflow of substance abuse/detox patients...and that ward got full, so they mixed them in with Debbie's ward (a big mistake and I'd be surprised to find out if it wasn't even a violation of hospital regulations.) Combine that with "Nurse Ratchett" and it was a far worse experience than it really needed to be. <br><br>What a trip this has been...thanks to all who sat here with me while I was on it. While none of this is as scary and mysterious (for me) as it used to be, it is still stressful. And it really looks this time like she had a three day hospital stay just to get a Risperdal! (which worked immediately, by the way.)<br><br>Lots of work for both of us. But in rereading her journals, I'm amazed at the sheer force of will that kept her going up until this point. I've struggled with a little bit of depression in my own life...not nearly what she fought (nevermind the DID). So I celbrate her strength, and the strength of everyone here who is a survivor of trauma. <br><br>And by the way, YOU ALL have powerful knowledge to share. You've helped me and I'm sure others. So celebrate that as well. <br><br> <p></p><i></i>
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Serenity

Postby Project Willow » Fri Dec 30, 2005 7:40 pm

Glad Debbie is home DE. I know you're far away, but the hospital in Chelan, WA has a good trauma unit. Check that one out if you time. Don't be so tough on DeCamp either. There's too much there to dismiss. It's one of the only instances in which a survivor sued a perp and won, not to mention all the other bits and pieces, "accidents" with witnesses, etc. Regardless of Gunderson's subsequent involvement, the case has too much credibility. <br><br>Uggh, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm roughing it pretty hard right now. This time of year is terrible. Spent the last couple of days not being able to move much, yet I have so much work to do and didn't have a choice about having to get up and get going today. Oh it hurts. <br><br>I did have a chance to talk with a "civilian", or non-survivor about the Serenity movie and how it may serve or not serve us in the long run. It was good to get an opinion from an outsider. People are just plain overwhelmed by the very idea of mc going on. He did his best to go there with me for a while. That was nice. <p></p><i></i>
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retreats

Postby sw » Fri Dec 30, 2005 9:15 pm

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Re: retreats

Postby sw » Fri Dec 30, 2005 9:36 pm

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