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(could be triggering for some).<br><br>Part of my experience of torture and conditioning, since I was a very little girl, was through induction of what I see as "programmed phobia". In my case, the object of the "death fear" was ....cockroaches/Moth. I know lots of people have it without MC, but in my case either it was created OR exploited (which doesn't really matter) to manipulate. The reason I am bringing this up is that recently we had a few cockies in the apt, which brings me automatically to suicidal ideation, whether I like it or not. I was wondering if anyone else heard or has similar experiences from MC hell world. <br><br> <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=havanagilla>havanagilla</A> at: 8/4/06 2:23 am<br></i>

haven't heard of it specifically linked to suicide ideation, which I had generally assumed to be of 2 kinds - 'spontaneous' because life outside group is hard, and memories are hard, 'programmed' to be triggered , usually when victim talks. this latter, if triggered by something like a cockroach, would be unpredictable and so useless. so that suggests its most likely triggering an underlying memory. cockroaches are not all that common in the uk, but ra survivors have relatively commonly had problems with spiders. here comes the nasty bit (one such 'use' of spiders).<br><br><br>the child, who has to be prevented from telling, is made to ingest a spider, which they are told, being inside them, is going to report on them if what they are thinking/saying is out of line. needless to say, there are elaborations and alternatives but this is the basic idea.<br><br>you say you have had this problem since childhood. that would perhaps square with some personification of the cockroach, linked to nasty experience, when you were a child. seeing one might resurrect the feelings of helplessness and hopelessnes which you had then. buy some insecticide !<br><br>We got a cockroach here once (not that common in this part of france) from a piece of indonesian furniture. Checking out that that was what it was and working out how to cope if it had friends, took me to some interesting internet sites on cockroach life cycles. they have some fans. maybe reading up on them would help to banish the fear? <p></p><i></i>

it makes sense that there was an association related to the fear, and if I 'free associate', it has to do with possible incest assaults at a very young age. so yes, it makes sense that it pulls out a "cassette" which includes a very overwhelming sense of helplessness, i can't even start to say how the feeling is, and how "big" it is, and lasting. I am not sure I am capable at all of retrieving the memory that is "hidden" behind this neurotic fear. According to the ripples it brings, that's way out of my capacity. thanks for this insight, it does help to put some order in the chaotic feeling. Still feels like death is welcome, but I can perhap start looking at it from another level. This brings to mine a memory i have of a very young age, of being asked to allow a man (?) to penetrate. I am saying "no, but i am new" (meaning young), and he says "well, ok, then we'll do it from the other side" (anal). Then I have an image of a fountain of sperm, yellow and stinking which I feel as though it is drowning me literally (like under a fountain).<br>It happens in a warehouse, or some modular unit, somewhere remote from anywhere. This just came up as i was writing about the roaches. I think that perhaps it was used somehow when I was attacked at home. the roach that is, or the perp (my dad ?) saw that I am uncomfortable or scared and would use the fear to attack and silence. oh, yikes. <br>--<br> <p></p><i></i>