Intelligent Design

by **nomo** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 12:43 pm

INTELLIGENT DESIGN by PAUL RUDNICK <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/printables/shouts/050926sh_shouts">www.newyorker.com/printab...6sh_shouts</a> Day No. 1: And the Lord God said, “Let there be light,” and lo, there was light. But then the Lord God said, “Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger?” “I’m loving that,” said Buddha. “It’s new.” “You should design a restaurant,” added Allah. Day No. 2: “Today,” the Lord God said, “let’s do land.” And lo, there was land. “Well, it’s really not just land,” noted Vishnu. “You’ve got mountains and valleys and—is that lava?” “It’s not a single statement,” said the Lord God. “I want it to say, ‘Yes, this is land, but it’s not afraid to ooze.’ ” “It’s really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas,” put in Apollo. “It’s, like, minimalism, only with scale.” “But—brown?” Buddha asked. “Brown with infinite variations,” said the Lord God. “Taupe, ochre, burnt umber—they’re called earth tones.” “I wasn’t criticizing,” said Buddha. “I was just noticing.” Day No. 3: “Just to make everyone happy,” said the Lord God, “today I’m thinking oceans, for contrast.” “It’s wet, it’s deep, yet it’s frothy; it’s design without dogma,” said Buddha, approvingly. “Now, there’s movement,” agreed Allah. “It’s not just ‘Hi, I’m a planet—no splashing.’ ” “But are those ice caps?” inquired Thor. “Is this a coherent vision, or a highball?” “I can do ice caps if I want to,” sniffed the Lord God. “It’s about a mood,” said the Angel Moroni, supportively. “Thank you,” said the Lord God. Day No. 4: “One word,” said the Lord God. “Landscaping. But I want it to look natural, as if it all somehow just happened.” “Do rain forests,” suggested a primitive tribal god, who was known only as a clicking noise. “Rain forests here,” decreed the Lord God. “And deserts there. For a spa feeling.” “Which is fresh, but let’s give it glow,” said Buddha. “Polished stones and bamboo, with a soothing trickle of something.” “I know where you’re going,” said the Lord God. “But why am I seeing scented candles and a signature body wash?” “Shut up,” said Buddha. “You shut up,” said the Lord God. “It’s all about the mix,” Allah declared in a calming voice. “Now let’s look at some swatches.” Day No. 5: “I’d like to design some creatures of the sea,” the Lord God said. “Sleek but not slick.” “Yes, yes, and more yes—it’s a total gills moment,” said Apollo. “But what if you added wings?” “Fussy,” whispered Buddha to Zeus. “Why not epaulets and a sash?” “Legs,” said Allah. “Now let’s do legs.” “Are we already doing dining-room tables?” asked the Lord God, confused. “No, design some creatures with legs,” said Allah. So the Lord God, nodding, designed an ostrich. “First draft,” everyone agreed, and so the Lord God designed an alligator. “There’s gonna be a waiting list,” Zeus murmured appreciatively. “Now do puppies!” pleaded Vishnu. “And kitties!” “Ooooo!” all the gods cooed. Then, feeling a bit embarrassed, Zeus ventured, “Design something more practical, like a horse or a mule.” “What about a koala?” asked the Lord God. “Much better,” Zeus declared, cuddling the furry little animal. “I’m going to call him Buttons.” Day No. 6: “Today I’m really going out there,” said the Lord God. “And I know it won’t be popular at first, and you’re all gonna be saying, ‘Earth to Lord God,’ but in a few million years it’s going to be timeless. I’m going to design a man.” And everyone looked upon the man that the Lord God designed. “It has your eyes,” Zeus told the Lord God. “Does it stack?” inquired Allah. “It has a naïve, folk-artsy, I-made-it-myself vibe,” said Buddha. The Inca sun god, however, only scoffed. “Been there. Evolution,” he said. “It’s called a shaved monkey.” “I like it,” protested Buddha. “But it can’t work a strapless dress.” Everyone agreed on this point, so the Lord God announced, “Well, what if I give it nice round breasts and lose the penis?” “Yes,” the gods said immediately. “Now it’s intelligent,” said Aphrodite. “But what if I made it blond?” giggled the Lord God. “And what if I made you a booming offscreen voice in a lot of bad movies?” asked Aphrodite. Day No. 7: “You know, I’m really feeling good about this whole intelligent-design deal,” said the Lord God. “But do you think that I could redo it, keeping the quality but making it at a price point we could all live with?” “I’m not sure,” said Buddha. “You mean, what if you designed a really basic, no-frills planet? Like, do the man and the woman really need all those toes?” “Hello!” said the Lord God. “Clean lines, no moving parts, functional but fun. Three bright, happy, wash ’n’ go colors.” “Swedish meets Japanese, with maybe a Platinum Collector’s Edition for the geeks,” Buddha decided. “Done,” said the Lord God. “Now let’s start thinking about Pluto. What if everything on Pluto was brushed aluminum?” “You mean, let’s do Neptune again?” said Buddha. -- When all else fails... panic.

by **dbeach** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 1:05 pm

very nice I pray the Big Golfer in the SKY don't forget us mere mortals and if the Same Golfer could POP down a few Miracles..this lil ole beach personna would be uber grateful

by **Corvidaerex** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:25 pm

Saw that on Metafilter a few days ago ... funniest New Yorker thing I've read since Jack Handy's incredible "Animals All Around Us" from several years ago. <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/?030505sh_shouts">www.newyorker.com/shouts/...5sh_shouts</a> But this brings up a point -- the intelligent design piece, not the vermin piece: It is assumed the intelligent-design movement will allow fundamentalist Christians (I include modern Catholicism and mainstream Mormonism in this group) to make madrassas of public schools, over time, by censoring science books and such. And that may be the case; we'll see. But the concept of Intelligent Design actually belongs to magick, esoteric mystery schools, the Gnostics, aboriginal "pagan" beliefs from Africa to Australia, etc. The mystical "secret societies" all believe in the concept, as well. So did most of the U.S. founding fathers, who tended to be deists instead of followers of any mainstream religion. New age beliefs (mostly borrowed from Crowleyism and Rosicrucian mystics, far as I can tell) and the E.T. proponents also tend toward a faith in intelligent design for our species. Also, there's no promise of *benevolence* in ID. The archons of the gnostics are a fine example of this, as are the insane & competing gods of the Old Testament or the Greek & Egyptian & Indian & Persian pantheon of gods. (Or the terrifying "talking raccoon" Jeff wrote about recently.) Could this Intelligent Design movement backfire on the fundamentalist Christians by introducing a whole mysterious world of thought to young American minds? Probably not, because only 1 in 20 people (to use Colin Wilson's figure) have a natural interest in such things to start with. But I expect mischievous teachers (or legitimate adepts working in the public-school realm) to use Intelligent Design requirements to teach kids about archons and Crowley's Lam and such. Hooray! Anyway ... whether we think of Them as transdimensional entities, space monsters, the Old Ones, etc., I would bet most RI readers / commenters believe in a sort of Intelligent Design. (Am I wrong?) And it is far from what the bible thumpers believe, and has the potential for mischief.

by **dbeach** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:30 pm

catholic schols have lost their way ..the nuns are all gone and IMHO lay persons getting piad very poor wages ain't gonna cut it..I attended catholic schools for 13 yrs and consider myself a devout Catholic BUT I don't bow to Rome and doubt papal infalibility . its all politics over there although the last Pope was OK I believe that we are the Intelligent design and God is the artist who designs..BUT thats my value system.. We are certainly in need of some Enlightenment as to how to reach the sleeping narcoticized masses..Gettin kinda late

by **robertdreed** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:02 pm

If one accepts the implications of quantum physics, it sort of renders the linearity of Darwinist evolutionism beside the point. "Intelligent design" may be modelled as working via a message from "the future"- which is, like "the past", implicate in "the present." What's the bottom line of intelligence- material structure, like DNA- or is consciousness itself more sublime? Is human intelligence, mediated by the complex wave structures generated by the human brain, tapping into a larger realm, something "pre-existing", due to its ominpresence? If understanding the principles of natural selection provides the practical underpinning for a lot of science and technology, then so be it. But that doesn't disprove the existence of "God." So I don't see what the fuss is all about, either way. It's like two different types of geometry, both of which have their applications, and neither of which invalidate the other. Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=robertdreed>robertdreed</A> at: 9/27/05 2:08 pm

by **smiths** » Mon Nov 07, 2005 12:10 am

i cant remember who but someone is always worrying about the 20 page limit, so i thought i'd recyle a thread from the back and ad some new stuff that is equally as silly as the stuff i created a new thread on that no-one read, Intelligent Design is under consideration to be taught in some public school science classrooms in the US. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has it's own theories and set of beliefs relating to ID and it rightfully states that "it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them." Further to it's ID concerns CoFSM is disturbed that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s and have produced a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature. CoFSM have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but they claim that they have written accounts of it, including several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His (FSM's) power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that the CoFSM claims over 10 million members, and that number is growing every day. Pastafarians, as they are commonly known, tend to be very secretive, as many people claim their beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. (i apologise for the fact i cannot seem to get pics to work)

by **AnnaLivia** » Mon Nov 07, 2005 12:35 am

my friend Alfredo says the Pastafarians are full of it.

by **marykmusic** » Mon Nov 07, 2005 2:18 am

I LOVE the Flying Spaghetti Monster! And I loved this what-if-the-universe-were-designed-by-New-Yorkers. Sent it to my mother, and my favorite Manhatten artist. --MaryK Edit: Hey, dbeach, whaddya mean "the last pope was okay"? Think of the one they could have had but didn't: As I am now understanding it, Cardinal Ratzinger was actually NOT the church's first choice to replace Pope John Paul : their first pick, interestingly enough, was Cardinal Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another mine shaft collapsed and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpurpa, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt he should never ascend to the papacy : They felt that the church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader. Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=marykmusic>marykmusic</A> at: 11/6/05 11:26 pm

by **AnnaLivia** » Mon Nov 07, 2005 2:55 am

you had me going, maryk! cute! maybe everybody's seen this one, but what the hay... Subject: Thermodynamics of Hell The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat] or endothermic [absorbs heat]? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell, and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

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