by Trifecta » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:15 am
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and<br>read on.<br>Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint<br>letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)<br>Dear Cretins,<br>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for<br>your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this<br>three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had<br>not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity<br>of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,<br>so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to<br>rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can<br>have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working<br>day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:<br>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my<br>spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your<br>technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57<br>minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more<br>annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful<br>website....HOW?<br>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes<br>- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.<br>The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,<br>although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -<br>such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem<br>had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem<br>arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.<br>I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours<br>between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am<br>still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my<br>mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a<br>variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly<br>skilled bollock jugglers.<br>I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone<br>will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone<br>will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows<br>whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);<br>that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an<br>answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be<br>transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating<br>Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.<br>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a<br>thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of<br>those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't<br>care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's<br>in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,<br>therefore, if I continue.<br>I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful<br>customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more<br>disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to<br>their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't<br>anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered<br>to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless<br>shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of<br>distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.<br>British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons<br>of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless<br>inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and<br>foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that<br>you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for<br>the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to<br>deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and<br>disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused<br>rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my<br>cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for<br>both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not<br>become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the<br>time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did<br>not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them<br>the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless<br>employees.<br>Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you<br>irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.<br>John <p></p><i></i>
