by havanagilla » Thu May 18, 2006 4:10 am
I would like to share a thought, which is perhaps paranoid, or real, anyway, it doesn't really matter.<br>--<br>As some of you know, I have been struggling for the last decade or so to get some justice in my country re my victimization by the security establishment (exploitation in the form of MC and others). I am willing now to declare this struggle is a complete failure, I have had no justice, and my position in life is very bad, on all possible levels. The only "little victory" is in my personal ability to contain the truth of my tragic abuse, without resorting too much to denial and dissociation. Namely, I am on the verge of real sanity.(not merely being "functional", as I am actualy not very "functional" now). <br>--<br>the other area of relative, miniscule success is my freedom of speech, namely, I am alsmot at liberty to express my situation, even publicly via my blog, but not in the form of statement, but a bit disguised, or coded, enough to get people to understand.<br>--<br>There is some pressure, perhaps both internal and external, to find a "resolution" to my communication problem and to allow integration in society. This is to transform the tragedy into artistic asset. Namely, move from the personal-actual to the symbolic/social realm.<br>--<br>Becuase I see it as "pressure" and as a move within an informal ADR process, I tend to rebel and resist against it. Although I have an artistic streak, and perhap, if I were allowed to live my life as they should have been, i would end up in art (music, though, not visual/text, this was my initial gift, and now it is too late to develop seriously). <br>--<br>The truth is that art consoles me, but it also feels like a prison. I see PW's work and life as exemplary recovery, but I doubt this is my way. More so, I suppose, because of the association created here between "art students" and spying. And the fact that I see a spy behind every artist now...(not females so much as males who also have good health and military service in their background). This is like cooperating with a "rehab" plan that both obscures me and prostitutes the arts. (Rafi Eitan is a sculpter, to name just one reason the whole field is a "trigger"). <br>I know the issue of art/gov has been on the plate here before, as a social phenomenon, but here it is a personal dilema and also a unique israeli problem, namely, that access to art is gained through the military ritual of this society.<br>--<br> <p></p><i></i>
