new shill needed

[darkbeforedawn]

Ed Naha: 'Help wanted: a new shill'<br>Ed Naha<br><br>With the departure of Scott McClellan as White House Press Secretary, the<br>Bush Administration is clearly seeking an energizing new voice to carry its<br>message to the American populace. I caught this ad in "The Washington<br>Roast."<br><br>WANTED: Energetic young man or woman to lie and distort the truth on a daily<br>basis on behalf of the government!<br><br>PAY: Seventy five thousand dollars a year plus an open bar.<br><br>REQUIREMENTS: Must be able to be queried on Presidential statements like "I<br>hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But<br>I'm the decider, and I decide what is best," and "We support the election<br>process, we support democracy, but that doesn't mean we have to support<br>governments that get elected as a result of democracy," by the Washington<br>press corps without either spewing chunks or falling down on the stage<br>laughing.<br><br>Must be able to answer the question "What time is it?" for a half an hour<br>without ever revealing the time.<br><br><br><br>SUGGESTED SKILLS: A thorough knowledge of the English language, which is to<br>be ignored at all times. A least two semesters of tap dancing. Expertise in<br>self-administered Bo-tox injections to both freeze face and plug sweat<br>glands.<br><br>MUST BE A QUICK STUDY: Within the first six hours of employment, hire should<br>be able to memorize such acceptable catch-phrases as: "I never said that,"<br>"You're mischaracterizing what I just said," "If you check your records,<br>you'll find I never said that."<br><br>As well as: "I dismiss the premise of your question," "You'd have to check<br>with the Vice-President's office on that," "You'd have to check with<br>Secretary Rumsfeld's office on that," "You'd have to check with the DoD on<br>that," "I'll check on that and get back to you," "I'll certainly look into<br>that," "I don't speak for Homeland Security," "It's our policy not to<br>comment on ongoing investigations," "I think the President made himself<br>perfectly clear on that," "That's a totally false statement" and "The<br>Democrats are just playing partisan politics."<br><br>During the same time period, employee should banish the following come-backs<br>from his or her mind: "Sez who?" "Are you high?" "WTF?" "You and what army?"<br>"How'd you like a knuckle sandwich?" "Oh, your a biiig man when the camera's<br>on," "You can't handle the truth," "Shaddup," "Yo mama," and "Step outside<br>and say that to me, old lady!"<br><br>MUST BE ABLE TO MULTI-TASK: Hire must be able to, in one press briefing,<br>avoid at least six Republican political scandals, defend an illegal war,<br>avoid the use of the word "quagmire," insist the President has never, ever<br>done anything illegal in terms of a) domestic spying, b) signing bills into<br>law without Congressional approval and c) allowing the government to hand<br>over "no-bid" over-inflated contracts to companies owned and operated by<br>cronies while, at the same time, deny that the government condones torture,<br>is tanking the economy and has ruined the public school system.<br><br>(Note: A background in juggling, gymnastics, rodeo clowning and speaking in<br>tongues is highly recommended.)<br><br>APPEARANCE: If male: hire must be well-dressed and resemble the kid everyone<br>picked-on in high school or the nerdy head of the high school AV club or the<br>snotty kid whose father was the principal of the high school. Dismissive<br>posturing is always an asset, no matter what the appearance.<br><br>If female: hire must resemble Cruella DeVille, mask all signs of femininity,<br>wear bright red power suits, have the snakes in hair permed every morning<br>and be able to spit venom at least thirty yards. (A wide spraying technique<br>is encouraged, able to take out all reporters - even those in the back row.)<br><br>PROPS: Hire is allowed to use props while at the podium. Acceptable props:<br>Charts and diagrams that are too small to be seen by the press in attendance<br>and are never to be distributed. Stacks of papers with nothing printed on<br>them. Lists of false facts and figures. A Bible.<br><br>Unacceptable props: A bozo nose. A rubber chicken. A seltzer bottle. Jeff<br>Gannon. A bullwhip.<br><br>ATHLETIC SKILLS: Hire must be able to mime the actions of a punching bag, do<br>double takes (spit takes are allowed only if drinking water), be able to lie<br>without any change in nose size and run like Hell at a moment's notice.<br><br>PERKS: Twenty-years worth of Chapstick...free! A special Presidential<br>decoder ring, allowing you to translate all gibberish into reasonable<br>cliches! A busload of lawyers only a phone call away!<br><br>Special Happy Meals (with toys of choice) served on both Air Force One and<br>at formal dinners that are just like the President's! A guaranteed book<br>contract for your memoirs - which will tank. The opportunity to verbally<br>harass Helen Thomas five days a week! And, after job termination, the chance<br>to spend a lot of quality time with your family while in the Witness<br>Protection Program!<br><br>SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Join BushCo. today! What have you got to lose,<br>except your dignity? And we all know that THAT isn't valued at all in this<br>administration! Come on, give us a chance! It's better than fighting in<br>Iraq! A lot better!<br><br>REMEMBER <br><br><br> <p></p><i></i>