by AlicetheKurious » Tue Apr 13, 2010 3:01 am
I've come back to thank you and thank you for your gifts of music and love and to give you a more complete explanation than the spur-of-the-minute one that came before. One reason I simply didn't slip away without a word is that I knew how hard it would be to leave and wanted to make it "official" so it would have the power of a commitment. Each of your precious voices has lived inside my head and my heart, many for years and, in one way or another, modified the way I see so many things; changed me, in effect. It's very hard to go. The second reason is that it didn't seem right, after all that we've been through, not to say goodbye.
Sometimes we just have this sense that it's time for a change, and even latch onto some petty reason, but only later do we figure out the real reason why it's so important to do it now. In my case, it struck me out of the blue only a few hours ago. When I joined RI in 2005, I had so much to learn, but I also had so much to say: all the accumulated thoughts and impressions and experiences and knowledge and ideas that had built up over decades, small bits of which I could share with this person or that person, within the limitations imposed by 'real life' and all its complications. But then I found RI. It was like that cliche about how sometimes you meet a stranger on a train and find yourself pouring out everything that's in your heart, but in this case the conversation has lasted more than four years, and the "stranger" was an incredibly fascinating, intelligent and diverse community that was evolving along with me. In the give and take of this lively 4+ year conversation, believe it or not I've managed to "upload" into RI pretty much everything I know, about everything. In fact, RI has been the repository of every significant thought or realization I've ever had; even if that sounds crazy, that's truly how it seems to me.
But this didn't come without a cost: between my huge responsibilities at home, and the time and energy I spent here, there was very little of me left to engage in any other activity or to add to the experiences I'd already lived. Gradually, over the years, especially the last 6-7 months, I stopped trying. Though I did the minimum to maintain the relationships that already existed with people around me, I stopped building new ones. I spent a lot more time at home, and had little interest in going out and making new acquaintances, in doing new things. It was ok, because I had so much I needed to communicate, to share, with all of you, about what I'd already lived and seen and thought and learned. Besides, the company and the topics were so much more fascinating here. But lately I've had a nagging feeling that the law of diminishing returns was kicking in: I've run out of information and experiences and insights to share for the first time, and now the opportunity cost seems higher to me than the value of making what will necessarily be repetitive contributions. Egypt is a fascinating and extremely complex country undergoing enormous changes: it's a very turbulent time to be here, and I'm lucky enough to have the chance to meet and engage in dialogue with individuals who are in the front lines of change here, but all too often I've taken a rain check, saying I was too tired, or not interested (enough).
The nagging feeling has become a certainty: I have to go. Everything I've needed to say, I've already said. It took years, but now I have nothing valuable to add. You know what I know. As I go, in a way I take all of you with me, and what I learn and see will be processed using all that I've already learned here, from you. Because we're human, it's not all about loss or gain, but love as well, and gratitude. I owe you, so much. That's why I promise that if and when I realize that I once again have something worth sharing, I will come back and share it here. Naturally, I expect that it will be subjected to the most thorough of criticism, because RI is a crucible, above all: with its ability to attract an unusually high rate of extremely sharp, skeptical and highly-informed, very diverse members it is the best on the net and probably offline as well, in my opinion. Individual members come and go but the spirit of rigorous intuition remains alive and healthy under the watchful eye of its guardian, Jeff Wells.
God bless you all,
Alice.
P.S. I will not close my account so that if anybody wishes to communicate directly with me, they can send me a PM and I will be notified by email.
"If you're not careful the newspapers will have you hating the oppressed and loving the people doing the oppressing." - Malcolm X
