Advice on men

[sw]

After 15 years of being divorced I am thinking of trying to meet guys again. I tried for the first five years to date but went down in flames each time. I met my loser husband when I was 18 and never dated much so I am like a dating virgin.

Any tips on how to find a decent man? I've already done the things like go to events that I would like but only women were at these events. I'm thinking of starting all over and just going to a divorce recovery group.

This is a difficult and scary task so men better be worth this stress!

PS - have met very nice men at dog adoption events but they were gay. I don't have a problem with gay men, just that gay men are not interested in dating me

[daba64]

If you have a dog, how about the dog park? The one in my town has tons of guys, each one with a built in conversation starter: his dog.

Also, look for places that GUYS would be interested in. The golf driving range, batting cages, places where you shoot pool, business seminars, hair replacement seminars (say you're there for your dad), AA meetings, church (if there's one that appeals to you).

Be very open minded. Make friends with everyone and give them a chance to win you over. Don't automatically reject anyone because of looks, social awkwardness, etc. Maybe they're nervous at first. Allow yourself a chance to get to know them.

Spend (at least) twice as much time asking questions and listening as you do talking about yourself. It may seem corny and old fashioned, but the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was very helpful to me.

And, in my experience, I try to keep my mouth shut about childhood abuse if possible. I find people react very poorly to this. It's scary and threatening on a primal level. No matter how kind and well intentioned people are, it tends to scare them away.

Best of luck to you.

[barracuda]

[sw]

Thanks, Daba...very good ideas.

Yes, I need to leave the past out for all the reasons you mentioned.

You know, I need women friends in my life too, and I"ve met a few really nice women as I walk my dogs. Maybe more women walk dogs in my neigborhood. I find myself more at ease with other dog lovers too. It does make for a easy introduction when we talk about dogs.

I am ultra "not" religious but think that may be a good place to start too. If anything, I can practice at talking to people.

I am very spiritual, not religious.

The groups like....Dallas Meet up or what ever city Meet Up is also good but I have not found one that seems right. My sister really liked the meet up groups and met her husband there.

Talking with men should not be so hard but it is for me. When I was in high school, most of my friends were guys so talking was easy...but talking with guys is easy if I just want to be friends. PLus, it was easier when I was DID and had a part for everything.

Thanks for the tips anyway.

[sw]

It's not just men, it's finding people who are open to my similar ideas on govt, spirituality, anti corruption etc.

It is probably hard for men to find women who are aware of things discussed at RI.

Plus, it's hard to leave the DID, govt control in the past where it should be.

this is a stupid thread. But, most of my close interactions are on line and that part of life sucks. Who wants to be good friends with a computer and with people who you don't even know if they are male or female, govt agent or normal person.....

[lightningBugout]

sw, my aunt is widowed and has been very involved with her college's alumni club lately as a way to meet friends and potential dates. They have various outings and a book club among other things. Don't know if you went to school, but if you did, most major cities have local branches of college and university alumni clubs.

[Project Willow]

It's not just men, it's finding people who are open to my similar ideas on govt, spirituality, anti corruption etc.

It is probably hard for men to find women who are aware of things discussed at RI.

Plus, it's hard to leave the DID, govt control in the past where it should be.

this is a stupid thread. But, most of my close interactions are on line and that part of life sucks. Who wants to be good friends with a computer and with people who you don't even know if they are male or female, govt agent or normal person.....

It isn't a stupid thread, sw, you are voicing what I believe are common problems for people who've had extraordinary life experiences. I'm facing this myself now too and maybe we can come up with some ways of meeting people with similar points of view that aren't immediately obvious, or potentially disturbing (like going to a conspiracy convention or something like that.)

I have many friends, and more acquaintances/community members than I can identify with any reliability, but I still often feel completely alone in the middle of company. I've found ways of improving that lately, however. I've also found some ways of tolerating, no actually having fun being single, though I'm a bit shy about going into those on the board.

[Maddy]

It's not just men, it's finding people who are open to my similar ideas on govt, spirituality, anti corruption etc.

It is probably hard for men to find women who are aware of things discussed at RI.

Plus, it's hard to leave the DID, govt control in the past where it should be.

this is a stupid thread. But, most of my close interactions are on line and that part of life sucks. Who wants to be good friends with a computer and with people who you don't even know if they are male or female, govt agent or normal person.....

It isn't a stupid thread, sw, you are voicing what I believe are common problems for people who've had extraordinary life experiences. I'm facing this myself now too and maybe we can come up with some ways of meeting people with similar points of view that aren't immediately obvious, or potentially disturbing (like going to a conspiracy convention or something like that.)

I have many friends, and more acquaintances/community members than I can identify with any reliability, but I still often feel completely alone in the middle of company. I've found ways of improving that lately, however. I've also found some ways of tolerating, no actually having fun being single, though I'm a bit shy about going into those on the board.

We could totally start a club. I have the same exact issues. This is totally not a stupid thread, I keep hoping to see someone come up with an idea I haven't thought of, or something, myself.

[sunny]

I recommend taking a second look at your male friends and
acquaintances. Is there someone in your life you've known for a while and trust? Could he be someone you've overlooked as a potential romantic partner because he's not your usual 'type'? Start there and work your way out. Good luck!

[daba64]

I agree that it's tough to find people open to the ideas we talk about here. My husband can't stand politics, let alone CT. His idea of a good time is taking his son and the dog to the forest, the desert or the mountains and camping, hiking, dirt bike riding. Sometimes I go along, sometimes I stay home and enjoy the quiet. And in a way, it's really refreshing to be with someone whose experiences and interests are so different from mine. It gets me out of my claustrophobic, self-centered world. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I was with someone as pessimistic and paranoid as I -- we'd probably have to go live in an underground bunker.

And I'd like to point out that when I met my husband, I found him loud and obnoxious. He came off as an arrogant, clueless know-it-all. But he was just one of a group of friends--we weren't dating, so there was no pressure. I remained open minded long enough to really get to know him and it turned out his "public persona" was based on insecurity and the discomfort of his particular situation at the time. His real self turned out to be my true love. We've been married for 12 years and I adore him.

But at the same time, for me, being in a relationship is not easy at all. To take the plunge, it had better really, really be worth it. Otherwise, I happier on my own.

All the best to you, my dears. Live your lives, get out there and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air, make friends of all genders, and may the goddess bestow upon you your ideal mates.

[monster]

http://www.meetup.com is a good way to find people with similar interests in your area.

I signed up with a paranormal group, they were meeting at a coffee shop a couple nights ago. I stopped by and bought a coffee, scoping out the group (b/c they don't know what I look like) and it was pretty good sized, maybe 18-20 people. I chickened out and didn't introduce myself, but I'm going to next month (it's a monthly meetup).

Anyway, that's one way to meet people.

[sw]

Thanks for all the ideas.

I have to remember that fear feels similar to excitement.

[sw]

Not on topic, but I just read some of the thread on "internet addiction" and realized that Barracuda is a male!

This whole time, I thought you were a lady. Wow. That's why you're just eating the popcorn in this thread?!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, Barracuda.....I clearly can't tell male from female posters!

[barracuda]

I thought my manly chest hair would have been a dead giveaway.

[Seamus OBlimey]