rigorousintuition.ca

Be it trivial or profound.

I'm unsure in which category I should place this.

Adulthood and stability. I have been really humbled in the past two years and still in the process of rebuilding. I look forward to normal life, or at least my own semi-feral definition thereof.

That, and Breaking Bad season 5.

That's a really good question and one that I've been intensely grappling with for a few months now. You're 37, I tell myself -- time to figure it out. I'm getting more and more jaded, in the sense of *not being angry*, but all I can tell is that my life has been a long series of mistakes.

It's awful and if there was a god, the god would answer my prayers of escaping heart-brokenness. It's not as though it's that bad, as in super-deep depression, yet it's bad enough that I don't want to do anything without someone (a certain someone) by my side. It's not nearly as bad as other divisions of relationships, however, it is more poignant and means more to me as opposed to hysterical sadness. Yet, every other long termer I've ever had I always looked at the world being an oyster and all that jazz. This time, no. I feel like I am relegating myself. I have energy, but it's an empty energy.

I hung out with Mr. Psynapz the other day when he was in town -- and this speaks volumes I believe about the quality people of RI. I took Ex Ms. 82_28 to the same restaurant me and Psynapz dined at last week, last night. The oysters were awesome once again and so was the scampi. This time though, the service fucking sucked whereas when Psynapz and I were there, service was awesome and we both commended the staff on everything. I was really looking forward to going there again and trying to rekindle something, once again, that nobody but me understands and on a self-same night (weather and crowd wise) as when Psynapz and I went there. It somewhat worked. But after the night was over -- just pfft.

So, I guess, I will just go to work now. Which ain't half bad.

Looking forward to something? There really isn't anything exciting I can think of. Just a return to normalcy, togetherness, health and a semblance of happiness.

Overall though, I wish to return to the past and make different choices so I could have less regret now.

The next excursion with my daughter to the Santa Cruz beach and boardwalk, the greatest amusement park on the planet's surface, bar none.

Admission? FREE

Winning the lotto.

---

Great question, one that I ask myself from time to time; they say humans need something to look forward to. Usually, I think, it's a goal people set for themselves, or something in the future they can reasonably expect to occur.

I used to have moderately big goals, I'd set big tasks for myself and "lose myself" (find myself?) in them. Eventually I just about killed myself overworking on them. Now I have little goals. For the last ten years, I've been occasionally working on a guitar arrangement of "MacArthur Park" (I'm up to pg. 6 of 11), and I look forward to finishing that AND being able to play it. I look forward to my next backpacking trip. Stuff like that.

On the more trivial side, I truly look forward to my first cup of coffee tomorrow. I look forward to the next time I see any one of my friends. My only financial goal is to pay the rent, buy a tool or toy now and then, and have the occasional night out or dinner party feast.

On the "meta" side, now I look forward to starting over. The Western view of this is 'death' but I think it's anything but. For a long time I've felt as if my life has largely been preparation for another one, one that's about rebuilding a world after everything's lost. I think I'll be good at that.

Back here on present-day Earth, I do look forward to a society in our near future where love rules and needless suffering is not permitted. But, cautious optimist that I am, I don't see things going that way soon, and don't feel I can do much about it. I tried, in my way, but now I'm frankly just riding out my remaining time. Although, I'm thinking about writing a big article about credit unions for a local rag. I have the go-ahead but it'd be a lot of work---research, interviews, writing---for no pay. I'd like to do it but would it really make even a slight dent in the Machine? I ask myself, Why bother?

Sorry to ramble. But you asked!

I did at that. Thanks for the insightful ramble.

On my meta side, I'm not so thrilled at the prospect of starting over. I'd rather my little light make its miserly return to the Secret Fire and enjoy some nothingness for a change. Until then, I'm feeling the death of ambition, which has both benign and malign aspects. But it's either that or be perpetually frustrated by my ineffectuality. At least that's me for the moment.

I was looking forward to my tincture of Jameson, but I've just had that, so now I'm at loose ends.

Whatever else the LHC does or does not discover, Peter Greenaway's next film, and a justice system.

Jeff wrote:Until then, I'm feeling the death of ambition, which has both benign and malign aspects. But it's either that or be perpetually frustrated by my ineffectuality. At least that's me for the moment.

I can relate to that just a little too well.

Somewhere in the last few years, my ambitions died. I don't know where they went, or why.

At the same time, I've found myself in a situation where I am forced to start completely over. Financially, professionally, all of that.

And I just turned 50.

So how I am supposed to reconcile all of this with the need to make money is something that can easily keep me up many nights to say the least.

I've always done things rather backwards. At 27 I directed a feature film. At 50 I'm broke and largely unemployed. Go figure. I think things are supposed to go the other way, where you hit your main earning power at this age.

But I disgress. The fact of the matter is that I can think of very few things to which I look forward. Which is why I made a glib and easy joke upthread.

This is turning out to be a very disturbing question! I mean, there are little things, day to day things. Looking forward to my next adventure with my son. Whatever it is. But that's about it. I have very few pleasures in life any more.

All the things I might look forward to right now seem like unattainable fantasies. I don't see how they can ever happen. Unless .... I win the lotto.

Nordic wrote:I've always done things rather backwards. At 27 I directed a feature film.

You can't just throw that out and not tell us what film. If you are worried about privacy I promise I won't check the director. But I want to see it.

My next MDMA experience. I strongly recommend it for *everything* for *everyone.* Like a massive orgasm for the soul.

Also, my little brother visiting this week.

You all are great, btw.

I'm looking forward to your book!

Impotence, Incontinence and Dementia

And the Olympics

Band practice. Or any excuse to go over to the rehearsal studio, really.

I actually look forward to walking Pip the Chihuahua. He's a great dog, and we always have fun.

Some free time, which I will undoubtedly waste at the barcade.

The revolution.

A good nights sleep.

To the day when I will start building my own Giverny. I live for that right now.

I look forward to the personal growth that I know will come for me over the years. After each challenge & difficult time life hands me I find that afterward the good times are that much better. So, I look forward to both: good times and bad.

I'm too often looking forward though, and need to do more appreciating of right now.

I look forward to the day when I'll be better at that.