Give Your Love
Every time you get into your dreamin and you're thinkin bout your past,
You can't step from this moment and expect your happiness to last.
Every time you start wantin or you're tryin to be free,
Look in your mind - you're always doin! One can only be."
Last night I came home from work saturated with bliss -- I had been unable to eat anything all day, I was synching with my environment at every turn, feeling people's minds and energies -- and they could feel that I felt it!
I don't know what made it stranger - that I felt like this was
me, that this was what I always felt like before I was moved all around without warning, put in strange schools one after another after another, left friendless and loveless at every turn, forced into my own mental cave... or that someone who once delighted in shattering people's hope, who believed in nothing "out there," would be, on the reverse of things, the most unshakeable believer in ... whatever we are experiencing.
When I got home, I knew I had to eat, so I made something very plain so I could get it inside me -- at times, even little morsels wouldn't go down without coaxing, but I knew I had to
try, because I'm already skinny and if I didn't eat at all I would get ill! I mean, I could feel my body crying for nourishment.
As soon as the food started to digest, I felt a fire in my stomach - this is about midnight. "Shit, I thought - this wasn't what I was expecting." So I took some deep breaths and sat in my chair and began listening to music.
I felt... well, as if suddenly in the hands of a knowing lover I was being slowly teased, tasted, tried, but I wasn't scared because he or she or it seemed to want me to enjoy. Heat began to suffuse me, filling my arms, legs, back, stomach, moving always up while I watched with surprise. Then my heart chakra started to open, heat poured out and made me dizzy, and I began to relax -- I think I laughed and cried -- and I suddenly perceived and heard my neighbors through the wall tossing, turning, sleeping uneasily, visited by strange sensations. The young family on the one side slept through it - they have little kids, and the saying is true -- they keep you young!
The other side... the husband was
pissed, both because he didn't know what to make of the sensations AND because I could feel his wife was smiling in her sleep. I mean, really, this is all electromagnetic energy. When it's overflowing, anyone nearby has to feel it, just like radiation from a nuclear meltdown, only not quite as harmful!
I immediately "snapped to" - I thought I was going to wake the neighborhood and get my ass kicked. In desperation, I ran outside into the cold, bare feet on the ground, and begged Kundalini energy (I call it whatever it needs to be at the moment!) not to burn me up, and focused on pouring that energy that came into me back into the earth. It worked, thankfully, and everything was quiet again. So I am going to try to practice cycling my energy in the Taoist fashion -- they always teach balance, right? Then I can better direct it to suit the needs of wherever I find myself.
Listen, I have almost nothing, and have in fact just been forced by circumstances to give up apartment, possessions, car, many books; I lost a relationship, a job with stability - have been waiting tables, unemployed, and more unemployed, and only now am in a job where I direct traffic (!). I never could stay in school. But it is precisely because I have lost everything, precisely because I have come to learn what I have learned from such places as R.I., from such people as you, because at last I got goddamned tired of taking everyone's helpful advice, I just accepted everything about me as either part of me that I can't get rid of or else as something just passing through me... and finally, I did what I always wanted to do: to be alone, read, bike, cook the kinds of food I like to eat, and study meditative practices.
I mean, when I was throwing out old papers before the move, I found an essay from when I was 15 on esoterica and Himalayan meditative practices! I mean, I was in the ninth grade, I think, I'd forgotten ever writing it, but now I see that loving that sort of thing was always my nature.
Listen: every single one of you here I have come to know in long hours of watching, reading, and recently participating. You are all, without exception, beautiful, intelligent, interesting, endlessly new and amusing people - not just in my eyes. Only because I have been swept up in a wind can I now admit that what all the sages said about "reality" is true - I secretly doubted, secretly desired, but didn't
know. I guess when you know, you have a hard time hiding whatever it is you know!
Earlier I called Osho my master. I spoke too early. Now I see that there is one higher than him, and it is Amma; all his power comes from what she is.
Do you want to know the essence of this teaching? It is first to love yourself completely, to your satisfaction; when you have felt that satisfaction, you will want nothing, but indeed will have much to share. All of you, without exception.
Nameless, I am known.
Shapeless, I am seen.
Though I leave you in a storm, I will return to you as a thief in the night.
Love. Love. Love.
by IanEye » Fri Dec 05, 2008 6:47 pm 
