Tea Party Jesus!

[Simulist]

True Christianity would scare the living shit out of every conservative I know.

Which is why the original version of it (a powerful mythos not confined only to Palestine of the First Century, C.E.) was deemed such a threat by the Empire that it sought to infect it, and take it over.

Which of course it successfully did — and pretty exclusively — until fairly recent times.

[The Consul]

Jesus loves you and he loves me, maybe even more. He sends me emails and tells me who deserves to die and that His law is above any other. I bought a cheeseburger and saw Him in in the grease stain in the container. I sold it on Ebay and used the money to start a church. I now have four hundred clueless nitwits knocking door to door to bring in hundreds more clueless nitwits. God loves you, brother. A terrible day is coming. An awful reckoning. I had a dream that Jesus would ram a white hot poker down your children's throat unless you send me $100 before midnight tonight. Get off the xanax and prozak, friends, and come join our flock. God helps those who help themselves and give good tithe. Sorry, gotta run, inbox fulla Jesus mail!

[crikkett]

He spent a couple of nights in the White House Residence, too, as I remember, under George H. W. Bush.

(Well, I'm not sure exactly if "under George H. W. Bush" was his actual location at the time, but hey! — anything's possible.)

You filled my head with images of wrestling on Pretzel Night, you bad boy, you.

[crikkett]

Lyrics: Genesis - Jesus He Knows Me lyrics
Album: We Can't Dance (1991)


You see the face on the TV screen
Coming at you every Sunday
See that face on the billboard
That man is me

On the cover of the magazine
There's no question why I'm smiling
You buy a piece of paradise
You buy a piece of me

I'll get you everything you wanted
I'll get you everything you need
Don't need to believe in hereafter
Just believe in me

'cause Jesus he knows me
And he knows I'm right
I've been talking to Jesus all my life
Oh yes he knows me
And he knows I'm right
And he's been telling me
Everything is alright

I believe in the family
With my ever loving wife beside me
But she don't know about my girlfriend
Or the man I met last night

Do you believe in God
'cause that is what I'm selling
And if you wanna get to heaven
I'll see you right

You won't even have to leave your house
Or get out of your chair
You don't even have to touch that dial
'cause I'm everywhere

And Jesus he knows me
And he knows I'm right
I've been talking to Jesus all my life
Oh yes he knows me
And he knows I'm right
Well he's been telling me
Everything's gonna be alright

Won't find me practicing what I'm preaching
Won't find me making no sacrifice
But I can get you a pocketful of miracles
If you promise to be good, try to be nice
God will take good care of you
Just do as I say, don't do as I do

I'm counting my blessings,
'cause I've found true happiness
'cause I'm getting richer, day by day
You can find me in the phone book,
Just call my toll free number
You can do it anyway you want
Just do it right away

There'll be no doubt in your mind
You'll believe everything I'm saying
If wanna get closer to him
Get on your knees and start paying

'cause Jesus he knows me
And he knows I'm right
I've been talking to Jesus all my life
Oh yes he knows me
And he knows I'm right
Well he's been telling me
Everything is alright