Jani's at the mercy of her mind

[chiggerbit]

- Chiggerbit, I've started a new thread about children and child-raising in general. Could I ask you (and everyone else) to take this general discussion there?

Mac, I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. But, to me, your interactions on this thread and a couple of others has bordered on abusive. Maybe that's just the way of the internet today, with flame wars as a form of entertainment. I undersand that this is something that you feel srongly about, but I don't think your method has facilitated an open discussion. In addition, your mode of interacion on this thread seems to not be congruent wih your position on parenting. If I haven't too terribly offended you with this observaion, then yes, I do have some thoughts on your topic that I'd like to discuss. The call is yours.

[MacCruiskeen]

OK, Chiggerbit, let's carry on the conversation here. I now agree that anything to do with child-rearing and child abuse (including socially-accepted child abuse) is relevant to the thread topic, and I shouldn't have tried to push the discussion away onto a new thread. Sorry about that. If January Schofield is ever going to be helped by anyone (and she's being put through hell, unnecessarily, as we speak) then she's not going to be helped by me saying "back on-topic" or "please take this elsewhere" after every second or third post on a discussion board.

So, I'm interested to hear anything you have to say, chiggerbit. If it's connected to what I wrote about my own childhood, though, then I have to quote myself briefly and then make a comment on it:

Anyway, my parents were in general very kind and supportive and fair and warm-hearted. [...] It was always clear to all five of us that our parents loved us and each other wholeheartedly, though they never made a show of it, and that they wanted us to be happy.

Now I know that's all pretty clichéd and generic and formulaic, but I was trying to keep it short, as I said. And the thing I wanted to clarify was that I practically never heard the word "love" in my childhood. Nor did any of us kids. My parents and most people of their generation (in that place at that time) would have felt embarrassed to talk much about love, or to talk about it at all. They had feelings of course, loads of them, but they lived them rather than talking about them. And loving your kids, if it means anything at all, surely means taking care of their basic needs, respecting their wishes even if you can't always accede to them, being there for them when they need you, and not pestering them incessantly when they don't. (Again, this is shorthand.)

So: One thing that really strikes me about Michael Schofield's terrible blog is that he never stops talking about love, or what he calls love. (I'll post a few examples here on-edit; they're certainly not hard to find.)

Because the truth is I would rather have her be insane and alive just so I could hold her.

But that would be being selfish. Because my love isn't enough. She deserves a life. I am trying to give her one.

http://www.januaryfirst.org/www.january ... ment_layer

Because of love. Love is the only certainty. We cannot save our children's lives, however much we may want to. We can only love them. To love is the only true power we have.

http://www.januaryfirst.org/www.january ... try_1.html

Love love love love love. Verbalise, verbalise. Insist, insist, insist. Michael Schofield's "feelings" are the true topic of his solipsistic blog. It's as if he's trying to conjure them into existence by naming them. And all the while, he's ignoring -- or failing even to notice -- January's most basic needs and most obvious wishes, while pestering her non-stop.

I find this really striking, and I think it's quite a widespread phenomenon these days. The guy really does live in his own bad Hollywood movie.

[chiggerbit]

Mac, I'm short of time, as I'm getting ready for company (SOME people shouldn't let their house get so dirty). that together with this fricking keyboard dropping my t's won't let me discuss this with the attention the topic deserves..Be patient with me--I'll try to get to town to get a new keyboard today or tomorrow. But I will get back to reply as soon as I can.

Or, alernaively, I could jus sop pasing in he 's, and le you ry o figure ou wha I'm saying, excep ha someimes I'm no even sure wha I was saying when I go back o pase in he 's.

[MacCruiskeen]

Don' le i worry you, chiggerbi . ake your ime. (A broken keyboard is a righ bas ard, I know. Been here, done ha .)

[MacCruiskeen]

Listen, I'm not you and haven't walked the requisite mile in your moccassins to judge you, but if, say, a kid is watching TV and you turn off the TV and he throws a tantrum ....?

Nordic, it's impossible for me to answer that question without knowing the exact circumstances. All I can honestly do is ask some obvious questions back, such as: How old is the child? Why was the child watching TV in the first place? Does the child have its own TV in its own room? If so, why? What time of day was it? How long had the child been watching TV? Why did you turn off the TV? How had you gone about getting the child to stop watching TV before stepping in and turning it off yourself? Exactly what did you say to the child? What were you doing while the child was watching TV? What alternatives did the child have, other than watching TV? - And so on.

And just out of interest: How would you feel if someone twice your size just stepped in and switched off the TV while you were watching it? Angry, maybe?

You "ignore" him for the reason that you don't want to let him know that throwing a tantrum works in any way shape or form. You don't let him know the tantrum affects you, either to give him MORE attention, or to take the tantrum seriously, or as a point of negotiation.

That's why you ignore it.

You ignore it. I don't ignore it, nor do most parents I know. Because a) Children are human beings too, and no human being enjoys or responds well to being ignored (especially when in a state of distress); and b) It never works, anyway. On the contrary, it makes everything worse.

And besides, I don't accept your chosen terminology ("tantrum"), because it's a thoughtstopper. If a child gets very angry and distressed, then it's always for a reason. And the child's reasons should be taken seriously, not ignored.

Maybe you were lucky with your kid, but kids sometimes actually do act like children.

I note your sarcasm. But rest assured, my child was a child too, and she acted like a child. Just not like a beaten child or an ignored child.

Especially when hungry, tired, young, etc.

Yes; like adults, children have needs, such as food and sleep and attention, and those needs need to be met. Otherwise they will get angry and distressed, which you choose to call "throwing a tantrum", and then to ignore.

[MacCruiskeen]

His blog archive:

http://www.januaryfirst.org/www.january ... chive.html

The first entry was on Feb 12 2009. He has posted this much in less than five months:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Blog
* About Me

Blog Archive

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Hopefully, this will be Jani one day
Monday, July 6, 2009
| 4 Comments

Ghost in You
Saturday, July 4, 2009
| 19 Comments

Radio Interview tonight at 8pm PST on Jani
Saturday, July 4, 2009
| 1 Comment

Mysterious Ways
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
| 12 Comments

Wait for me, Jani.
Friday, June 26, 2009
| 32 Comments

Can you wait another 30 minutes?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
| 4 Comments

Until the End of the Word
Sunday, June 21, 2009
| 2 Comments

Do you have any plans?
Friday, June 19, 2009
| No Comments

Something’s Burning
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
| 1 Comment

Nothing to worry about
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
| 1 Comment

The Role of a Lifetime
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
| No Comments

Answer Yes or No
Monday, June 15, 2009
| 2 Comments

I’m getting used to it now
Friday, June 12, 2009
| No Comments

We’ll take that ride
Thursday, June 11, 2009
| No Comments

I thought I could...
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
| No Comments

Trying to lift the stones
Monday, June 8, 2009
| No Comments

There in the midst of it, so alive and alone, words support like bone.
Friday, June 5, 2009
| No Comments

Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
| No Comments

Watching us through holes in the wall
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
| No Comments

The Newborn
Monday, June 1, 2009
| No Comments

Leaving the Bee Field
Sunday, May 31, 2009
| No Comments

Come Up Screaming
Saturday, May 30, 2009
| No Comments

Should have taken warning
Thursday, May 28, 2009
| No Comments

I’m at a place called Vertigo
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
| No Comments

It's in her head... painted room... can't deny there's something wrong.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
| No Comments

Tomorrow is Today
Sunday, May 24, 2009
| No Comments

Waving both arms above my head
Saturday, May 23, 2009
| No Comments

Calling Tokyo
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
| No Comments

They say you’ve changed
Monday, May 18, 2009
| No Comments

Empty Houses
Sunday, May 17, 2009
| No Comments

I am Pheidippides
Thursday, May 14, 2009
| No Comments

She sells sanctuary
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
| No Comments

.. the sky falls, and you feel like it's a beautiful day..."
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
| No Comments

Light my way
Sunday, May 10, 2009
| No Comments

Space Oddity
Saturday, May 9, 2009
| No Comments

I hear the voice of rage and ruin
Thursday, May 7, 2009
| No Comments

We are made of Corn
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
| No Comments

Amabilis of Riom, Christina the Astonishing, Dymphna of Ireland, Hermes of Greece, Maturinus of Larchant, and Susan of Valencia.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
| No Comments

F. Scott Fitzgerald was off by 90 minutes.
Monday, May 4, 2009
| No Comments

It's just another day, when people wake from dreams with voices in their ears... that will not go away.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
| 1 Comment

Swears I don’t have a Gun
Friday, May 1, 2009
| 1 Comment

Lie Down with Swine
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
| No Comments

Mrs. Lincoln
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
| No Comments

Best Laid Plans
Monday, April 27, 2009
| No Comments

“Suicide Solution”
Sunday, April 26, 2009
| No Comments

I don’t believe in evil
Saturday, April 25, 2009
| No Comments

There is nothing like the feeling of your lower jaw slamming into your skull to remind you that you are still alive.
Friday, April 24, 2009
| No Comments

“I don’t like Mondays”
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
| No Comments

The temperature in Calalini is now up to 200 degrees F.
Monday, April 20, 2009
| 1 Comment

Control
Sunday, April 19, 2009
| 2 Comments

Wanting contact
Sunday, April 19, 2009
| No Comments

Jani never liked Wednesdays.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
| No Comments

I regret to inform you all that after nine years of marriage, Susan and I are separating.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
| No Comments

"Once more into the breach?" (Incorrect spelling of "breach" intended)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
| No Comments

I am the hurt child. Now you can do what you want with me and there is nothing I can do. But one day I will grow up. One day I will take out all my agony on the world.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
| No Comments

Mental illness is a terrorist.
Monday, April 13, 2009
| No Comments

Every so often the reality of my daughter's situation pierces me like a knife. Tonight was one of those nights and I wanted to collapse in the UCLA parking lot. So to go on, I had to turn it into anger.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
| No Comments

Mental illness can be so inconvenient when you are trying to enjoy a nice Los Angeles vacation.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
| No Comments

I may leave the prison, but I will always be a prisoner.
Friday, April 10, 2009
| No Comments

Back in Black
Thursday, April 9, 2009
| No Comments

Here we go again. Blue Shield denied coverage for Janni after 3/30/09 saying her hospitalization is not medically necessary. Here's hoping the State of California comes through again on the Independent Medical Review.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
| No Comments

Thursday’s Child has far to go
Sunday, April 5, 2009
| No Comments

Fought this week to a draw. The was a lot of blood and no real ground gained or lost. Time to call the medics.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
| No Comments

I am betrayed.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
| No Comments

Janni has come back. Not all the way back. But she is back. For now.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
| No Comments

there but for the grace go I
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
| No Comments

Against the (main)stream
Monday, March 30, 2009
| No Comments

Faced with a choice: save Janni's mind and kill her body or save her body and let the "rats" eat her mind.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
| No Comments

I have come to hate holidays because the regular doctors and nurses go away and the idiots are on the job.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
| No Comments

LA Times, meet January Paige Schofield
Saturday, March 28, 2009
| No Comments

Jani in the sky with diamonds
Friday, March 27, 2009
| No Comments

I wonder if Blue Shield will agree to pay for Janni's hospitalization AFTER she kills Bodhi, because they certainly won't do it before!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
| No Comments

Blue Shield is denying payment to the UCLA ER for the night she went in on the grounds that she should have reasonably known she didn't have an emergency.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield is worried. Janni had more blood than I expected.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield wishes schizophrenia was a person so I could kill it. But it is a person and I can't kill it.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
| 1 Comment

Michael John Schofield is hoping for the power of the press.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
| No Comments

gradually realizing the shells have stopped falling.
Friday, March 20, 2009
| No Comments

Blue Shield: I'm watching you.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
| No Comments

God Bless the State of California! They overturned Blue Shield's decision to deny payment for Janni's continued hospitalization.
Monday, March 16, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield got to see Janni laugh today, always a lucky day in my book.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield missed Janni today.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
| No Comments

I find it strange to watch a younger, stupider version of myself.
Friday, March 13, 2009
| No Comments

I have to admit my bitterness rises to the surface when the poor girl scouts ask me if I want to buy some cookies.
Friday, March 13, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield believes the future has already happened.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield just applied for Medi-Cal! Suck on that one, conservative Republicans!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield and Susan got hugs yesterday from Janni. It was a good day.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
| 1 Comment

Michael John Schofield is frustrated that the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing.
Monday, March 9, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield wishes pyschiatric wounds healed as fast as physical wounds.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
| No Comments

must live to fight another day.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield feels like crawling into his foxhole (his daughter's bedroom) and licking his wounds while he waits for the next battle in a neverending war.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield is learning that to fix mental health care in America, we have to treat the disease, not the symptoms.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
| No Comments

Michael John Schofield thinks everybody at Blue Shield is worse than a weasel, because at least weasels don't pretend to be peacocks.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
| No Comments

Stop the Count
Monday, March 2, 2009
| No Comments

Always feels pain in his heart whenever he visits Janni's school...without her.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
| No Comments

Losing Faith
Sunday, March 1, 2009
| No Comments

About to bring down some whoop-ass on Blue Shield.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
| No Comments

I feel like David fighting the Goliath of Blue Shield. I just need to find the right rock.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
| No Comments

wants UCLA to call a schizophrenic a schizophrenic.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
| No Comments

trying to calm the shakes again
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
| No Comments

maybe the sun will rise again
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
| No Comments

nobody wants a residential psychiatric facility built in their backyard, which is why they are all out in the middle of nowhere...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
| No Comments

Which version of Janni he will see tonight.
Monday, February 23, 2009
| No Comments

joke in order to keep from screaming
Monday, February 23, 2009
| No Comments

All my cities lie in dust
Sunday, February 22, 2009
| No Comments

hoping for two good days in a row
Thursday, February 12, 2009
| No Comments

http://www.januaryfirst.org/www.january ... chive.html

-------------------------------------------------



Just one question among many: What's all that referring-to-himself-in-the-third-person about??

Michael John Schofield wishes schizophrenia was a person so I could kill it. But it is a person and I can't kill it.

???

[barracuda]

An artifact of Facebook, or Twitter perhaps?

[beeline]

His blog archive:

http://www.januaryfirst.org/www.january ... chive.html

He has posted this much in [/i]just five months:[/i]

...


Just one question among many: What's all that referring-to-himself-in-the-third-person about??

Michael John Schofield wishes schizophrenia was a person so I could kill it. But it is a person and I can't kill it.

???

That really struck me when I was reading this thread the other day. If Jani takes up so much of his time (to the point where they can't sleep) how does he find time to blog?

It reeks of a ploy to get a made-for-television movie made about them.

And as far as the 3rd person self-referrals, definitely a sign someone is not playing with a full deck. Only crazy sports figures do that, Hershel Walker and Mike Tyson come to mind. And Jimmy on that one episode of Seinfeld ("Jimmy likes Elaine").

[monster]

Just one question among many: What's all that referring-to-himself-in-the-third-person about??

Did it ever occur to you that MAYBE the daughter is nuts AND the father ain't so mentally healthy as well?

[Perelandra]

I can't bring myself to dive into the blog again, as I did briefly awhile back. So Mac, can you say if there is any constructive criticism in the comments made there? I saw maybe one or two, to which his immediate response was basically, "get out of here". I almost wish you would comment, but that wouldn't be good for either of you. Something is majorly wrong with this guy and where is the mother's voice? Aw crap, guess I'll go see.

[MacCruiskeen]

Jesus christ...

I am Pheidippides

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The legend of Pheidippides gave rise to the modern marathon, the 26.2 mile test of endurance that closes out each Summer Olympic games. The story goes that Pheidippides, a Greek herald, ran the 26 miles from Marathon, where the outnumbered Greeks had just defeated the Persians, to Athens. Upon reaching the city, he declared "Nenikekamen" or "We have won" (and not "Nike" or "victory" as is commonly thought) and then prompty died on the spot, apparently of a heart that had burst with joy.


I have heard high brow (usually British) comedians joke about this. After all, the Greeks had won. Why did Pheidippides need to RUN all the way to Athens. He could have taken his time. It seems almost... psychotic.


This makes me wonder what comedians will say of Susan and I, 2500 years in the future, when Jani's story is lost in myth and legend. Will they wonder why we ran as long and as far as we did?


If I look back upon my own history of the last nearly seven years since Jani was born, it seems crazy to me. Before Jani was born, Susan and I lived a life that gave no indication of what we would later do. I was, frankly, lazy then. Susan and I would sometimes spend the whole day in bed, watching movies, then go out for a leisurely dinner. When I say we spent the whole day in bed, I don't mean that we were having sex. That required energy. No, I mean we just spent the whole day in bed. We'd argue over whose turn it was to take Honey out to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I would go with Susan to her overnight traffic shift and pass the night watching cable at the station (we didn't have cable back then). Then we'd go home at 5am and sleep until early afternoon. It was a life of excess. Not an excess of wealth but an excess of time. I had no real sense of responsibility. I wasted time like a faucet left on while you brush your teeth. I was waiting for a future where the rest of the world would recognize my genius. Looking back, my life had no purpose then, no meaning beyond my own needs. I think I say this now to show that I was not a saint.

[...]

In her first two years of life, people would remark how well behaved she (January) was. Of course, these people only saw her out in the world, surrounded by crowds and chaos that would make other babies scream for the comfort of their mother's breast. Not Jani. Jani has always been at her calmest in the eye of a hurricane. The more violent the world around her becomes, the calmer she gets. Because it is stimulation. This was even true of her behavior in the face of my violence. She grew calm, even mature, telling me "Daddy, it's okay. You need to calm down" when I would throw objects across the room and put holes in drywall.

[...]

http://www.januaryfirst.org/www.january ... try_1.html

Barracuda: no, the third-person madness is not an artifact of the web.

Always feels pain in his heart whenever he visits Janni's school...without her.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
| No Comments

(emphases added)

Perelandra: No, no criticism of the guy anywhere, except the very little you noted, just as you noted his fuck-off response it.

Google the title of the LA Times article. It's all over the web. No criticism anywhere. (Or at least I can't find any.) Just tearful expressions of awe-struck admiration and support - for him of course. Not for the child he's killing.

[Nordic]

This was even true of her behavior in the face of my violence. She grew calm, even mature, telling me "Daddy, it's okay. You need to calm down" when I would throw objects across the room and put holes in drywall.

Too bad the daughter can't get the father declared nuts.

Maybe he could be taken to a foster home.

This girl sounds like she'd be a good friend to have in a foxhole.

[MacCruiskeen]

Posting this murderous madness partly to archive it. (But, jesus, just look at it.)

I regret to inform you all that after nine years of marriage, Susan and I are separating.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


It isn't what you think. Susan and I will be living in separate apartments, but not because we can't stand each other. I seem to vaguely remember saying to some girl I dated in high school "I would die for you." I wasn't being insincere exactly. As teenagers in what we think is love we say things without having any idea what they mean. What I actually meant is "I would die to get in your pants," which as a 17 year old boy was true. There was nothing else more important to me then.


I don't think I have actually ever said that to Susan. To tell the truth, we never had that kind of passion, even in the early years. We never lusted after each other. Our relationship was built on an incredible sense of comfort. With Susan, I have never had to edit myself, never had to lie, never had to be anything other than what I am. Susan has seen both the best of me, such as now, and the worst of me, before I was on Lexapro (an antidepressant), when I would fly into violent rages. I have hit her.


That was not easy to write. I am not sure why I did write it. Maybe I want you all to know that I am a deeply flawed individual. Of course, she hit me back. Susan takes no crap, which has helped her in dealing with the nightmare we now find ourselves in. Still, that is one of things I am most deeply ashamed by. The only reason I can deal with that shame now is because I have taken steps to better myself, the biggest being taking medication. It is the medication that stops me from being a violent asshole, not any great character attribute in me.


Now I know what it means to say "I would die for you" because I am. So is Susan. We are both dying inside everyday that we watch the daughter we knew die. Every day we look for the tiniest sign that our little girl might be there under the psychosis. I did not see Jani today but Susan did. She reported Jani did reasonably well, even saying that she loved Bodhi "this much," indicating about a quarter inch between her thumb and forefinger. That quarter inch is all the hope we have.


I could never have the kind of relationship I have with Susan with anyone else. Relationship is too petty a word to describe it. Susan and I go to hell almost every day, but we go there with each other. We hope that one day we will be able to together as a family, but in the meantime we die together as a family. We no longer know where one of us ends and the other begins. There is only one.


I wrote last night about the birth of the idea to live apart, one parent with Bodhi and one parent with Jani. Fearing for Bodhi's safety and Jani's mental health if she is forced to live with him, I brought up the idea again last night on the way home from visiting Jani. Susan would take Bodhi and go to her family in San Francisco and I would stay here in LA with Jani. Why Susan with Bodhi and me with Jani, even though I have already been investigated once for potential sexual abuse? Because at the end of the day I am Jani's strongest link to our world. I have her wacky sense of humor. I teach her. I am ultimately the only one who can even try to make this world interesting enough for Jani to stay alive. I know Jani wishes she could connect with Susan. It is not because of Susan. It is because of Jani's mind. Jani does not see Susan as being "like her."


But Susan wants to be in the life of her daughter and wants Bodhi to have his father, so she came up with a brilliant idea. We will trade in our two bedroom apartment for two one bedroom apartments in the same complex. They will not be my apartment or Susan's apartment. They will be Jani's apartment and Bodhi's apartment. Susan and I will trade off, alternating nights between the two children, as if Jani and Bodhi were a divorced couple and we were the children. I went to see the manager of our complex today. She knows our situation and was very understanding. There are two one bedrooms in our complex facing each other from the parking lot. Susan and I can come out on the balcony and look at each other across 100 feet of asphalt. We plan to move in May if I can scrape together the money. Even Jani's doctor at UCLA thinks it is a good idea, although she wants us to wait and see if the lithium works.


Jani started lithium tonight. The doctors want to see if it can improve her impulse control. Lithium requires urine analysis to check for kidney function, blood tests to check for liver function, and an EKG to check heart function. All this sounds terrible, but you must know we would not do this unless the disease was so much worse than the cure. If lithium does not work, Susan and I have resolved to drug Jani into a stupor with Benadryl so that she can function without becoming violent. At this point we must make this horrific decisions like living apart in order to create the best life we can for our children

[...]

http://tinyurl.com/mq4tyc

[Fat Lady Singing]

Hi all... I know I'm coming to the thread late, but I didn't want to get involved with trying to diagnose from a distance. Still, I've followed it because I find the narrative compelling -- both the real-life struggles of all involved (due to whatever reasons) and the responses of RI folks.

What I'd like to mention has little to do with the drama. Instead, to go way back to the beginning, I'd like to comment on the article itself. While the horrors the poor child endures are central to the article and certainly capture the attention of the reader (and rightly so), I was also struck by the sheer number of, well, numbers in it. I don't mean just Jani's numbers, but also the very specific numbers the author uses, especially after the opening 'hook' paragraphs. I'm not sure why this struck me, honestly, or if it means a darn thing, but it's interesting that both the subject of the article and the author of the article share this focus.

[MacCruiskeen]

Diary of a Child-Killer, Vol. 856. Insomnia-theorists please note:

[...] Jani had woken up at 4:30 this morning. One of the side effects of changing meds all the time is that it plays havoc with the sleep patterns. Jani knows that if she wakes up early she must stay in her room and watch tv or have quiet time until 8am on the weekends. She knows this. But this morning she would stay in her room. She hit the staff. She bit Diane. She had her first PRN (pro re nata-Latin for "as the situation demands or as needed) of Benadryl at six this morning. It knocked her out for a few hours but when she woke up, everything was a catastrophe. She screamed that she had missed breakfast (they had saved her tray). She screamed she had missed RT (recreational therapy-they waited for her). She could not control her emotions and could not calm down. At 10:30 they gave her another PRN. She fought the effects of this one, refusing to nap, lying on the floor in front of the swinging doors where she could be hit or stepped on. When she wouldn't move at staff order, she was movedinto her room, kicking and hitting and biting (I have done this many times). In "timeout" she had be watched to make sure she did not try to injure herself. She started biting down on the chair, biting the furniture, saying her teeth hurt, leaving blood stains.


Yesterday she was fine.


You see, there is no consistency. One day she will follow the rules and will be very cooperative. On that day, she wants to earn points to get stuffed animals from the point cabinet. Then the next day, she will break all the rules and suffer any punishment. She will say she doesn't care about points or rewards. Because in those moments, she doesn't. That is what schizophrenia and psychosis do. They make you do things you know are wrong but you can't stop. When children have a real behavioral problem there are two signs: 1) There is an external trigger for the behavior, like not getting what the child wants. 2) The bad behavior is consistent.


For Jani, there are no external triggers. Yes, stress can set her off, but stress just breaks the damn of psychosis. Still, it is her mind that places these restrictions on her, not the outside world. And for Jani there is no consistency. One day she will follow the rules, as happy as a clam. This is because she wants to be good. Then the psychosis, Calalini, comes for her.


I went back into Jani's room and tried to wake her up. I said "Hi, sweetie! Daddy's here" and gave her a kiss. Her eyes fluttered open and she sat up like someone had flipped a switch. She looked at me, eyes dull, mouth slack, and said...


"Who are you?"


For a second I thought I had misheard her. She was mumbling. Her mouth was dry and she had blood and hair encrusted across her lips. Her hair and clothes were a mess. This is another sign of psychosis, when she lets her personal hygiene go.


"Who am I?" I repeated, half expecting her to crack a sly smile to let me know she was joking.


But her face stayed slack.


"I'm your daddy," I told her, in an amazingly level voice.


"Oh," she said, then turned to look around the room. "Did you bring any food?"


I got up to retrieve her Burger King, fighting back terror. She hadn't recognized me. This was the first time. She looked like she was awake but still in a dream.


I gave her her food and she started to eat. As soon as she opened her mouth, I saw that her mouth was full of blood. Panic flashed for a minute and then crisis mode took over. I asked Miss Nigeria to open the bathroom (they look the bathroom to keep the kids from killing themselves in there) and called for the head nurse. Alfie and Diane came and told me about her chewing on the chairs, claiming her teeth hurt. They pointed out the blood stains on the chair Miss Nigeria had been sitting in. I told them to get her a Tylenol for her teeth and got the bathroom door unlocked. I wet a paper towel and wiped the dried blood and hair off Jani's face. Alfie came back with the Tylenol and put Jani's hair in a ponytail. She spilled water on herself. I waited, holding my breath, as she looked down at it. I wasn't sure if she would erupt screaming and try to tear her clothes off. But she let it go. She was too tired.


The TV was set to Animal Planet and was showing "Human Prey," a show about people who have survived wild animal attacks by sharks and lions (in this case sharks). Computer imaging showed what a Great White Shark does to a human body. Since Jani was barely registering my presence, I felt desperate and wanted to teach her, to try and engage her. I could feel her slipping away. I seized the sharks, explaining to her why large predators always violently shake their prey rather than trying to eat it alive. I explained that the shark was shaking the computer generated man because it wanted to break his spine, because living prey fights for its life, hitting, kicking, biting, and, in the case of humans with opposable thumbs, going for the eyes. This makes consuming living prey a bit dangerous. Better to kill it and be able to relax over the kill.

[...]

http://www.januaryfirst.org/www.january ... es_F..html

She is six years old and waking up from an enforced drug stupor. This is him allegedly trying to help her.