The "Humor" And Noteworthy "Quotes" Only

[Allegro]

~

What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood,
place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough
for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

~ Fred Allen, American comedian (b 1894)

[Allegro]

~

If God has cable, we are the 24-hour doofus network.

~ Will Durst, political satirist (b 1952)

[Allegro]

~

Look, it’s my misery that I have to paint this kind of painting,
it’s your misery that you have to love it,
and the price of the misery is thirteen hundred and fifty dollars.

~ Mark Rothko, painter (b 1903)

[Uncle $cam]

"I think God is a sadist -- and He probably doesn't know it."
James Coburn in Cross of Iron

Well, there is such a thing as, gallows humor, no?

[Allegro]

~

Life is a foreign language; everyone mispronounces it.

~ Christopher Morley (b 1890), American journalist, novelist, poet

[Allegro]

~

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves,
and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

~ Antoine De Saint-Exupery (b 1900), French writer, aviator

[Allegro]

~

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability
to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time,
and still retain the ability to function.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald (b 1896), American novelist, short story writer

[Allegro]

~

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
[ calling all helpers ]

~ Aldous Huxley (b 1894), English writer

[Username]

~
O Lord Most High,
Creator of the Cosmos,
Spinner of Galaxies,
Soul of Electromagnetic Waves,
Inhaler and Exhaler or Inconcievable Volumes of Vaccum,
Spitter of Fire and Rock,
Trifler with Millennia-what could we do for Thee that Thou couldst not do for Thyself one octillion times better? Nothing. What could we do or say that could possibly interest Thee? Nothing. Oh, Mankind rejoice in the apathy of our Creator, for it makes us free and truthful and dignified at last. No longer can a fool like Malachi Constant point to a ridiculous accident of good luck and say, 'Somebody up there likes me.' And no longer can a tyrant say, 'God wants this or that to happen, and anybody who doesn't help this or that to happen is against God.' O Lord what a glorious weapon is Thy Apathy, for we have unsheathed it, have thrust and slashed mightily with it, and the claptrap that has so often enslaved us or driven us into the madhouse lies slain!

-The Reverend C. Horner Redwine, Church of God the Utterly Indifferent.
The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut

~

[Allegro]

~

It is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles:
the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out.
…

If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

~ Alexander Pope (b 1688), English poet

[Allegro]

~

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
…

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
…

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times,
but a good press agent can do even better.

~ Fred Allen (b John Florence Sullivan, 1894), American comedian, early radio humorist

[Allegro]

~

A bank is a place that will lend you money
if you can prove that you don’t need it.
…

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart,
you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
…

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally
and rubbed his name off the piano.

~ Bob Hope (b Leslie Townes Hope, 1903), American comedian, actor

[Allegro]

An old one, but still...

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.

[Allegro]

Substitute damn every time you’re inclined to write very; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. [Refer.]

[Iamwhomiam]

“Do you think her being in a coma will affect the quality of her writing?”

David Benjamin Rakoff (November 27, 1964 – August 9, 2012) was a Canadian-born writer based in New York City. More here.