Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby brekin » Thu Feb 25, 2016 6:17 pm

Iamwhomiam » Wed Feb 24, 2016 3:50 pm wrote:Meerkat expert cleared of assaulting monkey handler in spat over llama keeper

Published 10:31 am, Wednesday, February 24, 2016

LONDON (AP) — A former meerkat expert at London Zoo was cleared Tuesday of assaulting a monkey handler in a love spat over a llama-keeper.

Two High Court judges said Tuesday that Caroline Westlake had not "recklessly" injured Kate Sanders.
In October a lower court found Westlake, 30, guilty of assaulting Sanders, who suffered a cut cheek from a wineglass after the two women argued at a zoo Christmas party in 2014. Both had dated colleague Adam Davies.
Westlake had said she did not remember hitting her colleague with the glass. Westminster Magistrates' Court found she had struck Sanders "recklessly but not intentionally."
The High Court said Tuesday that magistrates had applied the wrong legal test for recklessness and quashed the conviction.
Westlake was fired by the zoo after the incident. Her lawyer, Suzanne Kelly, said Tuesday that "Ms. Westlake's life has been destroyed by something that was no more than an unfortunate accident."
"Justice has now been served and Ms. Westlake would now appreciate the opportunity to put this matter behind her and rebuild her life," Kelly said.

http://www.timesunion.com/news/article/Meerkat-expert-cleared-of-assaulting-monkey-6851280.php


The Meerkat Expert...

Image

The Monkey Keeper...

Image

And their Llama Handling Lover...

Image

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... woman.html
If I knew all mysteries and all knowledge, and have not charity, I am nothing. St. Paul
I hang onto my prejudices, they are the testicles of my mind. Eric Hoffer
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Iamwhomiam » Fri Feb 26, 2016 3:01 am

Hey I've been there and it is painful. They weren't animal keepers, though. But they thought they were!

I thought it was pretty funny too zangtang.

Thanks for complimenting the article with photos, brekin.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:51 pm

Mazars and Deutsche Bank could have ended this nightmare before it started.
They could still get him out of office.
But instead, they want mass death.
Don’t forget that.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Grizzly » Tue Mar 15, 2016 10:29 pm

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/ ... 5-16-20-14
Obama dismayed by vulgarity, violence of campaign

Maybe he can drone target them Since he's putting people on his kill list
“The more we do to you, the less you seem to believe we are doing it.”

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby backtoiam » Tue Mar 15, 2016 11:16 pm

In an effort to defend against improvised explosive attacks, the Pentagon’s research arm DARPA is looking to pay crafty hobbyists capable of turning household items into bombs.

Take a cursory look at the warning labels on the products beneath your kitchen sink and it will come as no surprise that danger-seeking chemists, engineers and ordinary citizens can turn common everyday objects into deadly weapons.

In an effort to stay one step ahead of possible improvised attacks, the Pentagon’s Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) will pay people who can develop deadly devices from consumer electronics, household chemicals, or other "commercially available technology."

"For decades, US national security was ensured, in large part, by a simple advantage: a near-monopoly on access to the most advanced technologies," according to an agency press release.

"Increasingly, however, off-the-shelf equipment developed for the transportation, construction, agricultural and other commercial sectors features highly sophisticated components, which resourceful adversaries can modify or combine to create novel and unanticipated security threats."

The announcement sets very few parameters for participants, only stressing that builders are not allowed to do anything illegal.

"Proposers are free to reconfigure, repurpose, program, reprogram, modify, combine, or recombine commercially available technology in any way within the bounds of local, state, and federal laws and regulations," the announcement reads.

"Use of components, products, and systems from non-military technical specialties (e.g. transportation, construction, maritime, and communications) is of particular interest."

For the initial phase of the program, DARPA will award $40,000 to individuals who submit prototype blueprints. A select few will then move on to stage two, receiving $70,000 to build a prototype. Fewer still will advance to phase three.

While the announcement includes few details about this final stage, those chosen will conduct a large-scale military demonstration of their invention, presumably with an even larger cash reward.

One concern is that dangerous individuals could rig commercial drones with explosives to attack high-profile targets. By outsourcing the problem, DARPA is adapting similar strategies used in cybersecurity, in which government and corporations hire so-called white-hat hackers to highlight security flaws.

Some lawmakers have criticized the preventative measures, arguing that these programs provide potential adversaries information they would not have been able to concoct alone.

John Main, DARPA’s program manager, disagrees with that assessment.

"DARPA often looks at the world from the point of view of our potential adversaries to predict what they might do with available technologies," he said in Friday’s press release.

"Historically we did this by pulling together a small group of technical experts, but the easy availability in today’s world of an enormous range of powerful technologies means that any group of experts only covers a small slice of the available possibilities."

For any interested parties: exercise caution.
http://sputniknews.com/us/20160315/1036 ... -bomb.html
"A mind stretched by a new idea can never return to it's original dimensions." Oliver Wendell Holmes
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby elfismiles » Fri May 20, 2016 2:41 pm

Sorry ... a little low-brow humor :tongout

Uranus takes a pounding more frequently than thought
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http://www.cosmostv.org/2011/10/uranus- ... ently.html
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 82_28 » Fri May 20, 2016 3:35 pm

Funny for all of the obvious reasons, elfis. But interesting nonetheless. I have always been fascinated by Uranus.

What an unfortunate name for such a fascinating planet.

Miranda happens to be my most favorite moon.

My first blog had Miranda as its logo.

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There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby NeonLX » Fri May 20, 2016 4:07 pm

Now THAT'S a moon any planet would be proud of!!
America is a fucked society because there is no room for essential human dignity. Its all about what you have, not who you are.--Joe Hillshoist
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby elfismiles » Fri Jun 10, 2016 7:01 pm

'Noah's ark' takes on Norwegian coastguard and comes off worse
Seventy-metre long representation of biblical ship hits moored patrol vessel while being towed into Oslo harbour
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/ ... so-harbour
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby backtoiam » Sun Jun 12, 2016 4:19 pm

What is next? Busting into people's homes to make sure they are not feeding their pet rabbits prohibited food? nevermind, don't give these vampires any new ideas.

CTVNews.ca Staff
Published Friday, June 10, 2016 9:36AM EDT
Last Updated Friday, June 10, 2016 2:42PM EDT

A man who received a $175 traffic ticket for unbuckling his seatbelt to give change to what turned out to be a police officer posing as a panhandler is likely to think twice before giving to the less fortunate again.

Dane Rusk was driving away from a mall in Regina on Wednesday when he spotted what he thought was a panhandler on the side of the road.

“As I came up to the stop sign, I stopped and looked and I saw this homeless guy holding a sign,” Rusk said. “I instantly felt sorry for him.”

That’s when Rusk said he took off his seatbelt and grabbed $3 from his pocket.

“I reached out – I had to undo my seat belt, hang over and drop the change on the curb,” Rusk told CTV Regina.

Moments after dropping the change, Rusk was pulled over by police and issued a ticket.

“I said, ‘What do you mean? I didn’t talk to any police officer,’ and he said, ‘Well ya, you gave him money,’” Dusk said.

“I said, ‘Oh, the homeless guy?’”

The person Rusk handed change to was an undercover cop, and Rusk received the fine for not wearing a seat belt.

Rusk said he was “pretty shocked” by the incident. “The ticket’s $175 and the three dollars I gave to him – I’m out $178 all because I was trying to help out a homeless guy.”

But Regina police say this is nothing new. It’s part of a project that has police watching for traffic violations at intersections.

“Intersections are probably one of the most critical areas when it comes to accidents obviously, and our high-volume intersections are ones that we tend to target,” said Insp. Evan Bray. “So we will run random intersection projects throughout the city.”

The police officer’s sign was not soliciting money. In Regina, panhandling is not considered a crime, however, the city does have a bylaw that prohibits soliciting to vehicle occupants in high-traffic areas.

It’s the reason Dale Lakeman no longer holds up a cardboard sign on the streets of Regina. Instead, he collects bottles to support himself. He told CTV News he feels bad for Rusk.

“Cancel that seatbelt ticket to that gentleman because the poor guy took pity on a homeless person to give them some money.”

Lakeman said he hopes it won’t deter others from giving to homeless people.

http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/man-ticket ... -1.2940070
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby elfismiles » Mon Jun 13, 2016 6:53 pm

terrible timing on this one...


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June 12, 2016 2:42 PM
Fight over fart leads to blows at Sloppy Joe’s
Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/c ... rylink=cpy
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby PufPuf93 » Tue Jun 14, 2016 8:08 pm

Police, firefighters called in after flat Earth debate turns heated

Man angered by suggestion Earth is flat threw propane tank into fire, police say






A family argument over whether the Earth is flat or round became so heated that one of the participants threw a propane cylinder onto a campfire, prompting an intervention by firefighters.

The dispute over a question most considered resolved centuries ago boiled over around 10:30 p.m. Monday at St. Lawrence Park in Brockville, Ont.

Police said a 56-year-old Brockville man was at a campsite with his son and his son's girlfriend when the woman began insisting that the Earth is flat.

The older man insisted the Earth is round.

It's not clear if anyone at the campfire put forth the argument that the Earth's equatorial bulge makes it not perfectly round, but instead a shape known as an oblate spheroid.

Nevertheless, police said the man became so enraged he began throwing objects into the campfire, including a propane cylinder.

Brockville firefighters were called to put out the campfire. By the time police arrived at the scene, the man had left.

Brockville police are looking for the man and say they expect to charge him with mischief.

http://www.cbc.ca/beta/news/canada/otta ... -1.3634692

------------------------------------------------------------

There is a flat earth thread or at least discussion somewhere at RI but thought this brief story could fit here as well.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Tue Jun 14, 2016 8:23 pm

:lol:
Mazars and Deutsche Bank could have ended this nightmare before it started.
They could still get him out of office.
But instead, they want mass death.
Don’t forget that.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 82_28 » Fri Jun 17, 2016 12:19 am

Citigroup Sues AT&T For Saying 'Thanks' To Customers

Whenver we discuss a particularly egregious case of trademark abuse, usually centered around the trademarking of some insanely common word or phrase, there's always at least one instance of "that joke" in the comments. You know the joke I'm talking about: well, I'll just trademark X and sue everyone, where X=super-common word or phrase. For example: "I'll just trademark "trademark" and sue anyone who uses a trademark!", or, "I'll just trademark "the" and sue everyone who uses it!" These jokes play on the common problem of generic terms being granted trademarks, but of course they are examples so ridiculous that it couldn't happen for those specific words and terms. Still, to our lovely commenters, we say, "Thank you."

Or not, because it appears Citigroup has a trademark on "THANKYOU" and is currently using it to sue AT&T for using "Thanks".


https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20160 ... mers.shtml
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Thu Jun 30, 2016 10:32 am

Mazars and Deutsche Bank could have ended this nightmare before it started.
They could still get him out of office.
But instead, they want mass death.
Don’t forget that.
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