Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Wed May 23, 2018 11:04 pm

Another winner!

Elon Musk wants to rate journalists. He'd call his site 'Pravda'
http://money.cnn.com/2018/05/23/technol ... index.html

I'll grant him the coverage of Tesla compared to other car producers is pretty Pravda-ish.

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 82_28 » Tue May 29, 2018 11:17 pm

CIA report says North Korea won't denuclearize, but might open a burger joint

WASHINGTON — A new U.S. intelligence assessment has concluded that North Korea does not intend to give up its nuclear weapons any time soon, three U.S. officials told NBC News — a finding that conflicts with recent statements by President Donald Trump that Pyongyang intends to do so in the future.

President Trump is continuing to pursue a nuclear summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un even though the CIA analysis, which is consistent with other expert opinion, casts doubt on the viability of Trump's stated goal for the negotiations, the elimination of North Korea's nuclear weapons stockpile.

"Everybody knows they are not going to denuclearize," said one intelligence official who read the report, which was circulated earlier this month, days before Trump canceled the originally scheduled summit.

In an odd twist, a list of potential concessions by North Korea in the CIA analysis included the possibility that Kim Jong Un may consider offering to open a Western hamburger franchise in Pyongyang as a show of goodwill, according to three national security officials.

It suggests Kim is interested in a peaceful gesture to an American president whose love of fast-food burgers is well known — and who, during the 2016 campaign, had said he wanted to talk nukes over a burger with the North Korean leader.

On the nuclear question, the analysis suggests that a more realistic immediate objective would be convincing Kim to walk back recent progress on the country's nuclear weapons program, the officials said.


https://www.nbcnews.com/news/north-kore ... d_nn_tw_ma
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:00 pm

Photo liminalOyster posted last week in 'Images Only' 'inspired' me to look up more (maybe already posted here, there, somewhere, on RI).



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOFkVZQ8etE

Image
Drag Queen Angel Elektra, a performer with Drag Queen Story Hour, at the St. Agnes Branch of the New York Public Library

Parents Outraged Over a 'Surprise Performance' At a Grade School Talent Show

JENNI FINK | JUN 3, 2017 | 10:56 AM

School talent shows are a great way to showcase, well, talents. While elementary school shows might not present the best dancers, singers, or musicians, few parents can deny that they don't love seeing their child on stage putting themselves out there.

However, one act at the New York City public school Learning Expo left parents of District 4 students wide-eyed and outraged.

According to the New York Daily News, the grand finale of the two-hour event was Public School 96 Parent Association President Frankie Quinones doing a lip-synch performance while dressed in drag.

A video, captured by an incensed audience member, shows the grown man dressed in a see-through black dress complete with skimpy black underwear and a red wig.

The act started out as innocent as could be expected but quickly turned to inappropriate as Quinones performed seductive dance moves and at one point laid down and slowly lifted a leg into the air.

Raquel Morales, the mother of a fifth-grade boy, told the New York Daily News, “People were horrified. It looked like a nightclub performance.” Which, may make sense considering Quinones reportedly performs at drag clubs around the city.

https://ijr.com/2017/06/890101-parents- ... lent-show/



https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_cont ... mdO8O1KEb4

Little wonder...

This Is The End.......

And all the children are insane.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby chump » Sun Jun 24, 2018 6:54 pm


http://www.westword.com/news/fbi-agent- ... n-10384787

FBI Backflipper’s Gun Fires at Mile HIgh Sprits:
Twenty Craziest Tweets


Michael Roberts
June 4, 2018

Here's an easy way to get a video to go viral.

First, find an FBI agent capable of doing a backflip — and make sure he's armed.

Then put him in the middle of the dance floor at a hip watering hole — like, say, Mile High Spirits Distillery in Denver's Ballpark neighborhood — and make sure cell phones are recording when he busts his move.

And accidentally busts a cap into an innocent bystander.

The incident took place at approximately 12:45 a.m. on Saturday, June 2, and by the next day,  the social-media explosion that accompanied the clip had spread to the mainstream news media nationwide.

As evidence, eyeball this ABC News report, tagged "Danger on the Dance Floor."

The story is continuing to spread today. But as amusing as it is to watch network anchors grapple with this material, the reactions of Twitter users are even more interesting.

Plenty of commenters have offered takes that are all in fun. But lots of others are using the opportunity to equate the episode to matters of serious debate, including firearms safety and the idea of arming teachers in classrooms.

Our favorite? A reaction that references President Donald Trump and fired FBI director James Comey.

Nicely played, Twitter. Count down our twenty most memorable tweets about the thus-far-unnamed agent's (almost) lethal choreography below.


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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby BenDhyan » Tue Jun 26, 2018 7:48 pm

:shock:

Cops: Woman Forced Ex To Have Sex At Machete-Point

JUNE 26--A machete-wielding Montana woman broke into her ex-boyfriend’s home, directed him to disrobe, and then forced him to have sex with her, according to police.

As detailed in a criminal complaint, Samantha Mears, 19, entered the victim’s Great Falls residence Friday when he was not home. When the man returned, Mears “confronted him from behind with a machete.” Mears then allegedly told the man to “get on the bed and remove his clothes.”

The victim told police that he complied with Mears “for fear of his safety,” adding that he “did not feel he could leave the room at that time without being hurt by Mears.”

Investigators charge that after Mears removed her pants, she climbed atop the victim “and they engaged in intercourse.” The victim said that Mears--who was holding the machete--bit him on the arm and “continued to have sex with him after he attempted to end” the encounter.

The victim told Great Falls police that he had “become aroused by seeing her without any undergarments on.” The man added that, after ejaculating, he “attempted to push Mears off of him to end the intercourse,” but she proceeded to bite his arm and “continued to have sex with him until he was no longer erect.”

“After the intercourse, Mears sat on the bed, still armed with the machete, with her back against the wall,” the complaint notes. It was during this time that the victim took several photos of Mears “with the machete in her hand.” The man, who provided the images to police, had a bite mark on his arm when later interviewed by cops.

After surreptitiously calling 911, the man backed out of the bedroom and escaped his residence.

Pictured above, Mears has been charged with aggravated burglary and assault with a weapon, both felonies. She also faces misdemeanor counts of criminal mischief, assault, and unlawful restraint.

Mears is locked up in lieu of $50,000 bond at the Cascade County jail.

http://thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/montana-machete-assault-295730

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby American Dream » Tue Jun 26, 2018 8:02 pm

Is that supposed to be funny or something?
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby BenDhyan » Tue Jun 26, 2018 8:46 pm

^^^ I don't know about you, but I think it is a joke, the case should be laughed out of court.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby American Dream » Tue Jun 26, 2018 8:57 pm

Why would you think that rape is okay, much less funny?

BenDhyan » Tue Jun 26, 2018 7:46 pm wrote:^^^ I don't know about you, but I think it is a joke, the case should be laughed out of court.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby BenDhyan » Tue Jun 26, 2018 11:01 pm

^^^ "The victim told Great Falls police that he had “become aroused by seeing her without any undergarments on.” The man added that, after ejaculating, he “attempted to push Mears off of him to end the intercourse,”... so he did not try to push her off during the intercourse...rape my arse!
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby American Dream » Wed Jun 27, 2018 10:35 am

I recommend you stop drinking whatever Kool-Aid you currently enjoy. It seems to contain toxic ingredients.

BenDhyan » Tue Jun 26, 2018 10:01 pm wrote:^^^ "The victim told Great Falls police that he had “become aroused by seeing her without any undergarments on.” The man added that, after ejaculating, he “attempted to push Mears off of him to end the intercourse,”... so he did not try to push her off during the intercourse...rape my arse!
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Iamwhomiam » Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:00 pm

https://www.nytimes.com/video/opinion/100000005950705/trump-made-kim-a-movie-trailer-we-made-it-better.html

Trump Made Kim a Movie Trailer. We Made It Better.

Donald Trump showed Kim Jong-un a trailer casting both leaders as heroes. The Times’s Opinion video team cut a more honest makeover.

By Taige Jensen, Japhet Weeks, Leah Varjacques and Adam B. Ellick
June 12, 2018

President Trump arrived at the historic meeting with Kim Jong-un of North Korea with a secret weapon: a fake movie trailer portraying the two leaders as heroes tied to each other by destiny.

The video, which he played for Mr. Kim on an iPad, is full of clichéd, random images and propagandistic messaging. It’s void of any real understanding of the high stakes between the United States and North Korea.

So the Opinion video team recut Mr. Trump’s trailer in an effort to make it better and more honest. But don’t get your hopes up: This movie won’t be coming to a theater near you. Ever.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/12/opinion/trump-made-kim-a-movie-trailer-we-made-it-better.html
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sat Jul 21, 2018 2:08 pm

Elon Musk's farting unicorn fight settled

Tesla boss Elon Musk has reached an agreement with a Colorado potter who accused the billionaire of using his farting unicorn without permission.

Image

Tom Edwards did not specify what exactly had been agreed - saying only that the issue had been resolved "in a way that everyone feels good about".

Mr Musk tweeted Mr Edwards' original whimsical image on a mug last year.

Similar images of farting unicorns were later used in Tesla in-car interfaces and promotional material.

Mr Edwards said this was done without his permission.

The issue hit the headlines last month, when South African-born Mr Musk got into a Twitter spat with Mr Edwards' daughter, Lisa Prank, who said he had "ripped off" her father's artwork, eventually asking if he thought "artists deserve to be paid for their work".

Mr Musk responded, offering to "change it to something else if your Dad wants", before branding the argument "kinda lame" and saying Mr Edwards should be happy "this attention increased his mug sales".

Almost a month later, Mr Musk used the social media platform to inform the world the fight had now been resolved, tweeting out Mr Edwards' statement.

More....https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-44911905


The issue hit the headlines last month, when South African-born Mr Musk got into a Twitter spat with Mr Edwards' daughter, Lisa Prank, who said he had "ripped off" her father's artwork, eventually asking if he thought "artists deserve to be paid for their work".


Great last name but I bet it could be tough to get a job in public relations.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sun Jul 22, 2018 7:48 am

Onion worthy if they're Extra Virgin tears?
Virgin Mary statue weeps 'tears of olive oil', Catholic church claims

Strange phenomenon prompts people to come for conversions, confessions and to watch the mother of God cry


Image

Inside a Catholic church in New Mexico, a seven foot tall bronze statue of the Virgin Mary appears to be “weeping”, according to church leaders.
The sculpture, known locally as Our Lady of Guadalupe, is not crying human tears; an investigator with the Roman Catholic diocese of Las Cruces said her “tears” have the same chemical makeup as olive oil treated with perfume – a substance that, when blessed, would be chrism, a sacred oil used in the Catholic church to anoint the parishioners.

But, church leaders say, the rare occurrence has prompted people from all over to come for conversions, confessions and to watch the statue of the mother of God cry.

The question, one expert says, is not merely how it’s happening (or, whether it’s happening naturally) but how people are responding to the phenomenon and why they may want to believe in it.

“The Catholic church has a long history of believing in supernatural signs,” John Thavis, author of The Vatican Prophecies, said. “There’s a kind of curiosity and enthusiasm when something like this happens because it seems to confirm the traditional belief that God works in our own world and sometimes the supernatural is visible in our world.”

It started on Pentecost Sunday on 20 May, when parishioners at Our Lady of Guadalupe Catholic Church in Hobbs noticed that there appeared to be tears streaming from the Virgin Mary’s eyes, Judy Ronquillo, the business manager for the church, told The Washington Post. She said the statue continued “weeping” the next day – something she said has since occurred several more times.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/worl ... 54546.html


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The greatest sin is to be unconscious. ~ Carl Jung

We may not choose the parameters of our destiny. But we give it its content. ~ Dag Hammarskjold 'Waymarks'
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Wed Aug 01, 2018 11:35 am

Another unusual food story...

Restaurant berates ‘irresponsible reaction’ of man who shared video of a worm in his food

by Lindsey Bever July 31 at 1:37 PM

A family dining at a seaside restaurant on the New Jersey coast got an unpleasant surprise when, they said, a live worm slithered out of their food.

Jim Guinee, from Middletown, posted a video Saturday on Facebook, which he said showed the creature — confirmed by an expert as a likely parasitic roundworm — crawling out of a piece of cod that his girlfriend, Jennifer Morzano, had been eating at Stella Marina Bar and Restaurant in Asbury Park. Guinee said that they were celebrating his aunt’s 80th birthday.

“That is a live worm that just crawled out of the food,” he said in the video, showing the flesh-colored critter wiggling on the plate. “Dinner has come to life.”

The restaurant could not immediately be reached for comment Tuesday by The Washington Post but said on Facebook that it has stopped serving the dish while appearing to criticize Guinee after he called attention to the problem.

Guinee said that his girlfriend, who had eaten about half of the cod at dinner Saturday night, was cutting around some of the skin on the fish when the uninvited guest emerged from her food.

“She was shocked and she wasn’t sure what it was,” he said, noting that his girlfriend “had never encountered live parasites in her food before.”

Guinee said the restaurant compensated them and that he held no ill will toward the establishment, but he posted the video on Facebook and tagged the restaurant in an attempt to warn others about possible parasitic worms.

But the negative attention prompted the restaurant to push back. In a Facebook post about the incident, the restaurant said it takes “every precaution while preparing and cooking meals for the public.” The post has since been taken down.

“With that being said, one of our seafood purveyors did send us Saturdays cod and missed the small worms that were found by two of our guests, located in the center of their piece of fish,” it added. “We immediately halted serving this dish. We also compensated the family of 8 generously and expressed our sincere concern and apologies that one our guests had anything less than an amazing experience at our restaurant.”

Then the restaurant called out Guinee, an attorney, saying it was “very surprised at the callousness and irresponsible reaction of an attorney of law to attempt to destroy our reputation & possible livelihoods due to something that could have happened to anyone, whether cooking at home or in a restaurant.”

And Guinee said that he, in turn, was surprised by the restaurant’s response.

More...https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/foo ... 06627ace91
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