Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

[Elvis]

I Wanted to Understand Europe's Populism. So I Talked to Bono.

By Fareed Zakaria

Journalist Fareed Zakaria, a Harvard-educated millionaire with his own CNN show on Sundays wanted to understand how Europe, a continent finally at peace after centuries of conflict, could be succumbing to the rise of “populism and nativism.” What, he wondered, could be fuelling Europeans’ newfound Euroscepticism and “hostility toward strangers, foreigners, anyone who is different.”

Rather than ask a Spaniard watching migrant boats plow ashore on his country’s beaches, or a Dutchman whose picture-postcard village now features a mosque and ten kebab shops, Zakaria sat down with U2 frontman Bono, for an article published in the Washington Post on Thursday.

“Europe needs to go from being seen as a bore, a bureaucracy, a technical project, to being what it is: a grand, inspiring idea,” the singer opined. He argued that while the EU has enacted mountains of legislation, it has failed to capture the imagination of Europeans.

“That idea of Europe deserves songs written about it, and big bright blue flags to be waved about,” he wrote in a German newspaper recently. To that end, Bono has taken to unfurling a gigantic blue EU flag at U2 concerts, a gimmick he described as “a radical act.”

https://www.rt.com/news/439087-bono-was ... -populism/

(wapo paywall kicked in, so I googled...funny twitter storm over this)

[DrEvil]

What's the difference between Bono and God?

God doesn't walk around Dublin thinking he's Bono.

[82_28]

[DrEvil]

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/ ... pping-case

Demons and armageddon: details emerge in naked kidnapping case

A group of five who kidnapped three people and crashed their car believed they were escaping the end of the world and faced imminent danger

Three people who were arrested naked by Canadian police after kidnapping their neighbours and crashing their car into another vehicle were Jehovah’s Witnesses who believed that they were escaping the end of the world, according to court documents.

In a plea document obtained by the Canadian Press, two women and a man admitted to kidnapping three people in the western province of Alberta last year, which brought a degree of clarity to the bizarre incident last November. One of the women also pleaded guilty to dangerous driving.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police launched their investigation after they were called to the scene of a car crash in an industrial park in Nisku, south of Edmonton.

They arrived to find a white BMW that had collided with a truck; inside were five people – four of them naked – despite the centimetres of snow on the ground and temperatures that hovered around 10C (50F) below zero.

According to the plea document, the episode had begun several days earlier, when one of the women took her her two teenage daughters to visit her 27-year old nephew and his 30-year old wife, who lived in Leduc, Alberta.

After three days at the house – during which the group barely ate – they came to believe that they had lived through the Great Tribulation, a period of suffering which some evangelical Christians believe heralds the second coming.

Believing they were in imminent danger, the group fled the house – but in their haste, none of the family – except the mother – managed to get dressed, the document says.

“Four who were naked were changing but they had to leave right away because it was unsafe, so they left without clothes,” the plea document said.

The group piled into a BMW SUV – which the mother drove through the garage door to make their escape – but then decided they needed to rescue the neighbours.

They forced a man into the trunk of their vehicle and made his adult daughter and her baby climb into the back seat. “They did so because they believed that they were in danger, either from bad or wicked people outside or from demons,” says the guilty plea.

The BMW then raced down the highway, blasting through a red light as its occupants chanted “Jehovah” over and over.

According to the document, the three neighbours managed to escape when the SUV slowed down and flagged down a passing truck.

“It’s the middle of the winter and people running around with no shoes on – you stop to help them,” Derek Scott, the truck’s driver, told CTV News last year.

The neighbours climbed aboard the truck – but their relief was short-lived: the SUV rammed Scott’s truck, and both vehicles ended up in a snow-filled ditch.

When police responded to the accident, they faced a group who “displayed extreme strength” and refused to leave the vehicle. According to the court document, one of the teens believe the officers were “were monsters who would kill them”.

Police eventually resorted to using a combination of pepper spay and tasers to subdue and arrest the passengers.

At the time, police suspected drugs or alcohol might have been a factor in the incident. The father of the two teens – who wasn’t present during the incident – told investigators that he fears the group might have consumed a hallucinogenic tea.

But according to the Canadian Press, the plea document makes no mention of drugs or alcohol.

The two teenagers who were present during the abduction were not charged.

[seemslikeadream]

Virginia suspends controversial tampon ban for prison visitors

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna913106

[Cordelia]

White Entrepreneur Insists He's a “Minority Business Owner” Based on DNA Results

by Selena Hill
September 23, 2018

After benefiting from the advantages of white privilege for decades, a Washington-based entrepreneur is demanding to qualify for government initiatives designed to aid minority business owners after he learned from a DNA test that he is part indigenous American and African.

Ralph Taylor, 55, looks like and has always identified as a white man, up until 2010 when he took a home DNA ancestry test and discovered that he is 90% Caucasian, 6% Native American, and 4% sub-Saharan African. Now, because of his results, Taylor is fighting for his company, Orion Insurance Group, LLC, to be classified as a minority-owned business so he can take advantage of state and federal programs created to ensure historically marginalized groups can compete for government contracts after generations of discrimination.

To gain more transportation contracts for his Lynwood-based company, Taylor applied for a state certification with the Washington Office of Minority and Women’s Business Enterprises (OMWBE) in 2013. His application was approved at the state level, but rejected at the federal level because — get this — he failed to prove he was a minority; nor has he shown any evidence that his race caused him to suffer socially or economically.

“With no criteria defining a minority race or ethnicity, OMWBE eventually approved Taylor. But that same state agency, which also manages the U.S. Department of Transportation certification, decided he was Caucasian under that program’s procedures and denied his application,” reports The Seattle Times.

In turn, Taylor is suing Washington state and the federal government because he was denied a minority-business certification under a program created decades ago to level the playing field for disadvantaged business owners. “There’s no objective criteria and they’re picking the winners and losers,” Taylor argued.

A state judge dismissed his case, but his lawyer made an appeal with the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, which is currently pending. According to Taylor, it doesn’t matter what he looks like or that he has lived the mass majority of his life as a white man. Instead, he now claims to be multiracial and even changed his birth certificate from Caucasian to identify him as black, Native American, and Caucasian.

“One-Drop Rule”
In addition to his genetic results, Taylor argues that he’s a person of color based on the “one drop of blood rule,” which has been historically used by white institutions to discriminate against anyone who had an ounce of black blood in their heritage. The world, however, sees Taylor as a white man, which has given him an edge over women and people of color. Plus, experts note DNA results are estimates with varying margins of error.

“It’s quite scientifically inaccurate,” said Jennifer Raff, an assistant professor with the University of Kansas anthropology department, adding there is little science behind DNA ethnicity results. “Most in the scientific community would repudiate it.”

Likewise, Alondra Nelson, a sociology professor at Columbia University, said it’s misguided for people to redefine themselves based on DNA results. “To think of identity as a few genetic markers is woefully inadequate and incomplete,” said Nelson, the author of The Social Life of DNA: Race, Reparations and Reconciliation After the Genome. “You have two facets of identity: who you think you are and what other people say you are. People have lived their whole lives and generations have been disadvantaged based on what they look like, how they talk or where they come from. That’s not insignificant or subjective.”

As a white businessman, Taylor has never been subjected to barriers to equal contracting opportunities or been questioned of his competency because of his race or gender. It’s also likely he has never experienced a lack of access to business networks and information. That’s what makes his latest conquest so insulting.

Furthermore, becoming a subscriber to Ebony magazine and a member of NAACP member – two arguments Taylor actually made to strengthen his case – does not make you black. It just further proves feelings of white entitlement have no chill.

https://www.blackenterprise.com/white-m ... a-results/

[Cordelia]

Not a news story but a review in last Sunday's WaPo Fall Dining Guide of the No. 2 rated restaurant on Capitol Hill reads kind of worthy of The Onion imo. (I get a kick out of reading descriptions of expensive restaurants I'll never patronize and the puff prose embroidered to peddle over-priced menu items.)

Pineapple and Pearls

(Superlative)

If you want to stay at the pinnacle year after year, your ideas, like your knives, need to be sharp. Few chefs push harder or higher than Aaron Silverman, whose fine-dining destination on the Hill continues to set the bar not just locally, but for the country. You come in off the street to be handed a fragrant thick cloth to wipe your hands, followed by a little aperitif, its rim “garnished” with a tiny envelope containing the recipe for the drink you’re enjoying. Then, it’s a series of just-the-right-size, expertly paced courses in the sleek dining room, some introduced by the cooks who made them. Rice for sushi is molded with spoons at the table, after which the pads are brushed with housemade chile sauce and topped with foie gras. Exquisite. A dry-aged French breed of duck is trotted out, whisked away and returned as spice-crusted slices, rich as squab and loftier in the presence of steamed brioche hiding duck confit in its center. Liquids are taken as seriously as anything else; mid-dinner might showcase a “garden daiquiri” created with liquid nitrogen and served with luscious cocktail snacks. Did you know smoked potatoes and dates make for a first-rate pasta, that sunchokes and bitter cocoa play well together in pudding? Pineapple and Pearls makes believers out of skeptics. Because you’ve paid for the night in advance, there’s no bill to break the spell, just some bon bons in a tiny treasure chest and a goody bag to take home. The unbaked chocolate chip cookie inside (with baking instructions) is the only head-scratcher of the night. Otherwise, reality is fantasy.

Pineapple and Pearls: 715 Eighth St. SE. 202-595-7375. pineappleandpearls.com.

Open: Lunch Monday-Saturday, dinner daily.

Prices: Prix fixe $150-$325.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyl ... 78128cc76c

Caviar and Gummy Bears

What does kitchen prep look like at a two Michelin star restaurant? Sorting 12 different varieties of gummy bear flavors by their color of course! Chef Bin came up with this crazy dish a while back using the last truffle from the last shipment of the season. Instead of having it go bad, he decided to preserve it. From there he had the wild idea to infuse it into soft serve ice cream. Of course, you can’t have ice cream without toppings so he started on his sundae bar. Crispy potatoes, shiro dashi whipped cream, yes…shiro dashi whipped cream…black olive sable cookies, buttermilk whey caramel, rainbow sprinkles and of course, gummy bears. Sorted and organized into a mini rainbow and then served alongside the truffle soft serve ice cream and white sturgeon caviar this dish knocks it out of the park! The funny part of the story is that in his pursuit of the perfect gummy bear; Chef Bin ordered a variety through Amazon.com. When Chef Aaron saw the charges, he almost cancelled the credit card as he thought someone had hold of the account and was ordering a bounty of candy!

https://www.pineappleandpearls.com/stories/

Gummy Bears & goody bags at Pineapple and Pearls is just slumming it ... the real luxury is private dining in its rock-star status owner/chef Aaron Silverman's other restaurant down the street ...




The visuals bring Aaron Silverman’s innovative dishes to life. Here, shrimp, stone fruit and XO sauce dance in a decadent bowl. (Deb Lindsey /For The Washington Post)

https://www.rosesluxury.com/

[Cordelia]

At first I read this to mean that the delay occurred because the support squirrel became emotional.

Emotional Support Squirrel Delays Frontier Flight

October 11, 2018

When a Frontier Airlines passenger boarded a flight from Orlando to Cleveland with a comfort animal, crew members were surprised to discover that her emotional support companion was a squirrel. When the flyer and her rodent refused to leave the plane after being ordered to disembark, police were called and the flight was delayed by nearly two hours.

A woman who alerted Frontier Airlines she would be requiring the assistance of an emotional support animal on her flight from Orlando International Airport (MCO) to Cleveland Hopkins International Airport (CLE) on Tuesday, reportedly neglected to inform the carrier that her comfort companion was a squirrel.

Because rodents, even adorable pet squirrels, are prohibited on Frontier flights, the woman and her no-longer-flying-squirrel were ordered off the plane. When she refused to deplane, a rather nutty standoff ensued and the flight was delayed by nearly two hours.



“Rodents, including squirrels, are not allowed on Frontier flights,” Frontier Airlines spokesperson Jonathan Freed told USA Today. “The passenger was advised of the policy and was asked to deplane. When she refused to deplane, Orlando Police were called and everyone was deplaned so police could deal with the passenger. Police eventually escorted the passenger off the aircraft and returned her to the main terminal.”

https://www.flyertalk.com/articles/emot ... light.html

[Elvis]

Hillary and Bill Clinton to start a 13-city speaking tour to talk about the 2016 election loss to Trump
Bill Bostock
Oct. 9, 2018, 7:01 AM



Hillary and Bill Clinton are planning to discuss the 2016 election in a series of tour dates starting in November.

The "Evening with the Clintons" tour is scheduled to visit 13 US and Canadian cities.

Tickets were listed as costing $59.50 to $745.50 on Ticketmaster on Tuesday.

The promoter Live Nation said ticket holders would see the pair "sharing stories and inspiring anecdotes," "discussing issues of the day," and "looking towards the future."

. . .

https://www.businessinsider.com/hillary-bill-clinton-plan-13-city-tour-about-2016-trump-election-loss-2018-10

[seemslikeadream]

CIA chief wants to hear Turkey's audio of Khashoggi killing
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-saud ... SKCN1MX2YC

[Cordelia]

Hillary and Bill Clinton to start a 13-city speaking tour to talk about the 2016 election loss to Trump
Bill Bostock
Oct. 9, 2018, 7:01 AM

Hillary and Bill Clinton are planning to discuss the 2016 election in a series of tour dates starting in November.

The "Evening with the Clintons" tour is scheduled to visit 13 US and Canadian cities.

Tickets were listed as costing $59.50 to $745.50 on Ticketmaster on Tuesday.

The promoter Live Nation said ticket holders would see the pair "sharing stories and inspiring anecdotes," "discussing issues of the day," and "looking towards the future."

https://www.businessinsider.com/hillary-bill-clinton-plan-13-city-tour-about-2016-trump-election-loss-2018-10

^^^

"looking towards the future."

Theirs isn't looking too promising...

Hillary Clinton Speaking Fees Drop by 87%

By Erin Coates

March 29, 2018 at 4:17pm

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made $200,000 per speech in the past. Now, her speaking fees have plummeted by 87 percent.

Rutgers University is reportedly paying the former presidential nominee $25,000 to speak at the university Thursday, according to NJ Advance Media.

Clinton will be discussing politics, American democracy and how she has helped shape women’s political history.

The money she will be paid to speak at Rutgers, that will not be coming from tuition or state aid according to the university, is a far cry from what she use to be paid per speech.

According to a 2016 study by The Associated Press, out of the $22 million Clinton was paid to speak after her retirement as secretary of state, one-third of the groups that paid her speech fees were government contractors.

https://www.westernjournal.com/hillary- ... rop-by-87/

...unless Bill goes back to traveling solo.

Speaking Fees for Former Presidents Top $750,000

by Tom Murse

Updated February 01, 2018

...Former President Bill Clinton has made the most of any modern president on the speaking circuit. He gives dozens of speeches a year and each brings in between $250,000 and $500,000 per engagement, according to published reports. He also earned $750,000 for a single speech in Hong Kong in 2011.

In the decade or so after Clinton left office, from 2001 through 2012, he made at least $104 million in speaking fees, according to an analysis by The Washington Post.

Clinton makes no bones about why he charges so much.

“I gotta pay our bills,” he told NBC News.

https://www.thoughtco.com/former-presid ... es-3368127

[chump]

https://youtu.be/iCDwmHELPLg

—————

https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2 ... 5007468572

Broncos release QB Chad Kelly after his bizarre arrest for trespassing

By Des Bieler and Cindy Boren
October 24 at 11:32 AM

The Denver Broncos released quarterback Chad Kelly Wednesday morning as he appeared in a Colorado court a day after his arrest on suspicion of criminal trespass. The bizarre incident occurred while defensive star Von Miller was hosting the team’s annual Halloween party.

According to a police affidavit, Kelly entered a home in the Denver suburb of Englewood, Colo., late Monday night and sat on a couch next to a woman who was holding a young child. He was said to be “mumbling incoherently,” and she called for a male companion, who hit Kelly with “a stick in the upper back as he kicked [Kelly] out of the residence,” according to the affidavit.

Chad Kelly's booking photo. (Arapahoe County Sheriff's Office via AP)

The “stick” was later identified by the arresting officer as “an aluminum vacuum tube with plastic ends.” Although the man said the doors to the home were locked, the officer found no signs of forced entry. Security footage from the front of the home was used to create a description of the suspect.

Englewood officers found the 24-year-old Kelly, who matched the description, nearby, in a black SUV parked outside a theater where the team’s Halloween party was taking place. Denver’s 9News reported that Kelly and his girlfriend had attended Miller’s party, but that the quarterback began acting aggressively and was moved from the scene to cool down. He broke free of security and ran to a home about a block away.

Police said Kelly was taken into custody “without incident,” and he was released after posting a $2,500 bond. He appeared briefly in Arapahoe County court Wednesday morning, saying nothing during his appearance. The judge entered a mandatory protection order requiring Kelly to stay from the victims and set Kelly’s next court appearance for Nov. 8, when the district attorney’s office is expected to file formal charges.

Kelly’s release would seem to elevate Denver third-string quarterback Kevin Hogan — who played high school ball at Gonzaga in the District and was waived by the Redskins in September — to the role of Case Keenum’s backup.

“We are disappointed that Chad Kelly was arrested early this morning,” the Broncos said Tuesday in a statement. “Our organization has been in contact with Chad, and we are in the process of gathering more information.”

Broncos General Manager John Elway offered sharper words on his weekly show on Denver sports radio, saying he was “very, very disappointed in Chad,” according to ABC 7. Elway said group get-togethers are “always a good thing,” pointing to the camaraderie that can be created, but added: “One person put a dent in it. We are going to look into this. The charges are very, very serious.”

Kelly put up impressive statistics in college and has an NFL pedigree as the nephew of former Bills Hall of Fame quarterback Jim Kelly, but he fell to the final pick of the 2017 NFL draft in part because of character concerns. He was dismissed from Clemson’s program for conduct detrimental to the team, spent a year at a junior college and then, shortly after committing to Ole Miss, was arrested for his role in an altercation at a Buffalo nightclub.

Kelly gained notice for a strong arm, above-average mobility and a fearless on-field approach at Ole Miss, but he also was involved in another off-field incident when he charged onto a high school football field as a brawl broke out during a game featuring his younger brother.

He sat out his rookie season in Denver while recovering from knee and wrist injuries, but he played well enough this summer to prompt the team to release former first-round pick Paxton Lynch and install Kelly as Keenum’s backup. As Keenum has struggled to perform consistently during the Broncos' 3-4 start, fans increasingly called for Kelly to take over as the starter.

———————

KDVR Report: ‘She was really scared:’ Homeowner describes moment Chad Kelly walked into home


https://youtu.be/yZDRXt6D9Qc
-

[Cordelia]

Spiders--maybe--not grieving African American women.

A house-sitter tried to blowtorch some black widows. More than two dozen firefighters responded to the blaze.

By Alex Horton

October 25 at 2:04 PM

This is a story without judgment or condemnation. We have all been that person at one time or another, terrified by nature’s instinct to lash out at humans and reconquer its land. Sometimes we respond with arms. This time, the weapon of choice just happened to be a blowtorch.

The man’s identity is not known. But he was housesitting for his parents in Fresno, Calif., on Tuesday when the black widows came. There were at least “a couple” of them, ABC 30 reported.

It is not known whether the man was a budding arachnologist or just happened to know how to identify black widows — or specifically, the exclusively dangerous females that bear the scarlet hourglass marking, according to researchers.

Maybe he did not know any of that. Maybe the spiders were not black widows at all. But just that possibility, apparently, was enough propel him into action.

The man grabbed a propane torch, pointed in the general direction of the spiders and went to work, he later told authorities.

Flames licked and crawled along the base of the house before carving into the interior wall, Fresno Fire Department deputy fire marshal Lee Wilding told ABC News. The flames then traveled upward, triggering a larger blaze on the second floor and in the attic, he said.

Firefighters, ultimately numbering more than two dozen, sped to the scene in response to a 911 call. The damage could be as much as $10,000, the Los Angeles Times reported. The man is 23, the paper said.

“We don’t ever recommend using some type of heating device like that to get rid of any vermin or spiders,” Fire Battalion Chief Tony Escobedo told ABC at the scene.

MORE...https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2 ... f48604fcd1

[82_28]

Yeah, that was fuckin' weird, chump. As a Broncos fan I really have been following it. I know exactly where all that went down (Gothic Theater). Not the house. But that is my old hood as it were. They don't call it "Englehood" for nothing. But Von Miller is known for his crazy wine parties and gifts and the last time I drank wine a few years ago I kinda lost my mind too. Kid was 24 and drunk. Anything is possible.

As a kid I saw Fievel Goes West and then like two years later saw NIN on their Pretty Hate Machine tour where there was a noose hanging above the audience. Anyway, that's where he was for the party.

[chump]

https://kdvr.com/2018/10/23/broncos-bac ... -trespass/

[…]

The Arapahoe County Sheriff's Office said because it was not an alcohol-related offense, no information on Kelly's blood-alcohol content would have been in the arrest affidavit.

The arrest affidavit said there was no alcohol in Kelly's system, but no alcohol test was administered, the sheriff's office said.

[…]

I lived, worked and visited friends all around that seedy stretch. Maybe you remember nearby Cinderella City - the biggest indoor mall west of the Mississippi?

The Gothic turned into a tavern type theater in the twenty-first century, and the last time that I stepped inside was to see *The Aristocrats on the big screen.

https://youtu.be/OAYI_28bSCI
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*edited to add that the videos above are potentially triggering and definitely offensive.