When Everyone is Talking About Torture

[Project Willow]

I posted a little rant on FB, and commented on two news sites. I could and probably should do a blog post, but maybe 20 people will see that. I will be doing an in-depth article about non-State torture for the next issue of Borne and perhaps 1,000 people will see that, but it does not feel like enough.

I cannot adequately wrap my head around the events over the last couple of days. Maybe it has to do with the fact that finally, after all of these years, I've been processing in detail torture experiences from my own past, to the point where they are stripped of all their unconscious effects and are seamlessly woven into narrative memory, something I could only dream would ever happen to me. Maybe it is just that hitting these milestones happens to coincide with being able to witness a significant portion of public come to grips, publicly, with the seemingly heretical idea that their government would carry out torture.

I cannot get over the shock of being confronted with the shock of the public. I'm flabbergasted. This is what I wrote on FB:

To my friends who are survivors of torture, I hope you’re doing alright this week. I fell into a heavy funk yesterday reading various articles and commentary. I felt another blanket of invisibility thrown over me, when perhaps it should be the opposite. Do people not know their history? Do they not know CIA, DIA, and various other agencies have carried out torture programs since their inception? Do they not know that torture happens in the private sphere all the time?

What’s really bothering me right now are the stories about the psychiatrist contractors. They’re all framed as if CIA needed to hire outside expertise, inferring they were new at it. It’s bullshit, utter bullshit. These contractors, they’re amateurs compared to what in house personnel were doing to kids beginning in the 1950’s. Google Kubark for starters.

Yesterday, when I should have been coding a new website, this is what I did, I wrote down a partial list of tortures I'd experienced—as a kid. All before age 12:

Sleep deprivation - awakened while entering into sleep state by cattle prod (for years I experienced brief seizures right as I was falling asleep).
Confinement, food and water deprivation - kept naked for extended periods in cages, concrete bunkers, and wooden boxes.
Stress torture - hung upside down for extended periods.
Rape torture - suspended from metal stand and sexually assaulted with numerous objects, punished for not responding as ordered.
Abreactive torture - strapped to a chair and forced to recall incidences of rape, shocked if I stopped evidencing the painful emotions it brought up.
Faked amputation - drugged, limbs wired for targeted electric shock, downward vision obscured, torturers used surgical knives and saws and fake blood to simulate amputation as my limbs were shocked and then numbed with an injection.
Drowning - immersed in perfluourocarbon without warning until I “breathed” the fluid.
Iso tank torture - electric shock after time inside a sensory deprivation tank.
Psychic driving - drugged and strapped down, or put in iso tank as headphones play looped messages.
Faked execution - strapped to a chair, forced to watch gruesome footage of an execution, seeing this image overlaying my own in mirror as a gun is held to my temple, shocked into unconsciousness as the trigger is pulled.
Spinning - strapped to a rotating platform and shocked if I move my eyes off the center of a projected image.
Biofeedback torture - strapped to a chair and shocked if I don’t make the correct wave pattern on the monitor.

Devices used for shocking:
Three different devices that fit into the mouth to shock the teeth and gums
Specialized contacts that draw electricity straight through the body between them
Needle-like contacts for insertion under the fingernails
A belt around the abdomen that shocks the diaphragm and briefly disables breathing
A belt around the hips and crotch that delivers shocks to the vulva and perineum
A chair with a metal fitting that delivers shocks to the vagina
Phallic objects that deliver shocks to the vagina and rectum

If people are so up in arms and shocked and surprised, how could they ever believe, how could they ever? There's more, there's way more than is on that list. I didn't include the non-State torture, and many, many more incedents. How would anyone ever believe? Maybe it is that I cannot believe myself that I survived it, and am able to speak and function in any way today. But I am not only speaking and functioning, but doing so better every day, every day that I work to reclaim all of those parts of myself sacrificed to holding onto the pain and extremity and conditioning. Every day I get a little bit more of myself back from the psychopaths who held me as a slave for so long.

[Iamwhomiam]

No, Willow, most people can't believe "we could do such things" as torture our imagined enemies. It doesn't fit the image they've been conditioned to see. And if they can't believe we do such horrible things to our perceived enemies, how could they believe that there are those who do such things and possibly worse to their own children?

With your permission I will ask you tomorrow to friend me on FB and will post your comment. It will be circulated to not so many, maybe 100 or so, (Can't recall how many friends), but because I've been absent from FB since Spring some I'm sure will have something to say. With your permission I will ask my readers to circulate it further.

I know there's one company guy there I knew in high school, so it will be interesting to see his response, if any. He's not aware I know his gig. I kicked off one DHS guy, an ass from high school who was a retired cop. Beautiful younger brother, very kind, killed in nam.

I cannot imagine the pain some like Willow must endure long after the torture ends.

Only our barbarity has evolved, it seems.

[Project Willow]

I would welcome that Iam. Thank you.

There's something strange about writing it down like I've just done in this post. I've spoken it and drawn it for years, but I've never just written it out, so matter of fact-like. It's as if it didn't fully exist before, as if I were projecting onto the world my own inability to integrate. Now, I've written that list, and someone has read it, and the world has not fallen apart. Well, I guess there are many stages of becoming.

[Sounder]

It is easy to understand why you would not write this down as a list. The reading is difficult, so your part in the writing must be, -well I can't really imagine.

While I don't want to make excuses for others, it is understandable that so many turn away from looking at or acknowledging this sickness that resides at the very center of our society.

Still we must look.

Thank-you Willow

[lucky]

I just don't know what to say ...blank screen for 40m or so - Willow you have been through , for me , unimaginable experiences, unimaginable because if i think to hard about the barbaric and disgusting treatment you endured it brings up emotions of fear , hate, revolsion and more , it upsets me too a degree that while I type this at work would manifest in 'inappropriate behavior', tears for you and for the depths of inhuman depravity that won't compute (I won't squish a fly so anything violent against a child or adult for that matter saddens me to my heart).

That there are people in this world that gain pleasure from such actions i find incredulous though as Sounder commented we must look for if not there can be no remedy - and please God (I am not religious but believe in a universal 'oneness')let there be a remedy so all those who committ such obscene acts be stopped and the behaviour be erased from future generations.

Thank you Willow for your honesty and stength to reveal a past that few could openly discuss and so educate me and others on parts of the human condition so alien that I thought only in exceptional circumstances reared its ugly head - I remember the feeling of complete disbelief and was very nearly physically sick when i heard of the vietamese village where they cut off the arms of all the children that had been vaccinated as a show of ...fuck knows what - to the forces in occupation.

Willow I am truely humbled. May all your days hold some joy.

[Perelandra]

Ditto to all the above. It has been a privilege to get to know you a little and understand a tiny portion of your history.

My heart regularly breaks for all the children I can't help, and the adults I know who also, for various reasons, could not be helped. You, a good friend of mine, my next-door neighbor, and the list goes on.

I have learned very much here about the savagery of humans, but also about the potential beauty carried in many of them. You are a great example of the ability to create good from your pain. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well.

[BrandonD]

I posted a little rant on FB, and commented on two news sites. I could and probably should do a blog post, but maybe 20 people will see that. I will be doing an in-depth article about non-State torture for the next issue of Borne and perhaps 1,000 people will see that, but it does not feel like enough.

I cannot adequately wrap my head around the events over the last couple of days. Maybe it has to do with the fact that finally, after all of these years, I've been processing in detail torture experiences from my own past, to the point where they are stripped of all their unconscious effects and are seamlessly woven into narrative memory, something I could only dream would ever happen to me. Maybe it is just that hitting these milestones happens to coincide with being able to witness a significant portion of public come to grips, publicly, with the seemingly heretical idea that their government would carry out torture.

I cannot get over the shock of being confronted with the shock of the public. I'm flabbergasted. This is what I wrote on FB:

To my friends who are survivors of torture, I hope you’re doing alright this week. I fell into a heavy funk yesterday reading various articles and commentary. I felt another blanket of invisibility thrown over me, when perhaps it should be the opposite. Do people not know their history? Do they not know CIA, DIA, and various other agencies have carried out torture programs since their inception? Do they not know that torture happens in the private sphere all the time?

What’s really bothering me right now are the stories about the psychiatrist contractors. They’re all framed as if CIA needed to hire outside expertise, inferring they were new at it. It’s bullshit, utter bullshit. These contractors, they’re amateurs compared to what in house personnel were doing to kids beginning in the 1950’s. Google Kubark for starters.

Yesterday, when I should have been coding a new website, this is what I did, I wrote down a partial list of tortures I'd experienced—as a kid. All before age 12:

Sleep deprivation - awakened while entering into sleep state by cattle prod (for years I experienced brief seizures right as I was falling asleep).
Confinement, food and water deprivation - kept naked for extended periods in cages, concrete bunkers, and wooden boxes.
Stress torture - hung upside down for extended periods.
Rape torture - suspended from metal stand and sexually assaulted with numerous objects, punished for not responding as ordered.
Abreactive torture - strapped to a chair and forced to recall incidences of rape, shocked if I stopped evidencing the painful emotions it brought up.
Faked amputation - drugged, limbs wired for targeted electric shock, downward vision obscured, torturers used surgical knives and saws and fake blood to simulate amputation as my limbs were shocked and then numbed with an injection.
Drowning - immersed in perfluourocarbon without warning until I “breathed” the fluid.
Iso tank torture - electric shock after time inside a sensory deprivation tank.
Psychic driving - drugged and strapped down, or put in iso tank as headphones play looped messages.
Faked execution - strapped to a chair, forced to watch gruesome footage of an execution, seeing this image overlaying my own in mirror as a gun is held to my temple, shocked into unconsciousness as the trigger is pulled.
Spinning - strapped to a rotating platform and shocked if I move my eyes off the center of a projected image.
Biofeedback torture - strapped to a chair and shocked if I don’t make the correct wave pattern on the monitor.

Devices used for shocking:
Three different devices that fit into the mouth to shock the teeth and gums
Specialized contacts that draw electricity straight through the body between them
Needle-like contacts for insertion under the fingernails
A belt around the abdomen that shocks the diaphragm and briefly disables breathing
A belt around the hips and crotch that delivers shocks to the vulva and perineum
A chair with a metal fitting that delivers shocks to the vagina
Phallic objects that deliver shocks to the vagina and rectum

If people are so up in arms and shocked and surprised, how could they ever believe, how could they ever? There's more, there's way more than is on that list. I didn't include the non-State torture, and many, many more incedents. How would anyone ever believe? Maybe it is that I cannot believe myself that I survived it, and am able to speak and function in any way today. But I am not only speaking and functioning, but doing so better every day, every day that I work to reclaim all of those parts of myself sacrificed to holding onto the pain and extremity and conditioning. Every day I get a little bit more of myself back from the psychopaths who held me as a slave for so long.

Is there a blog or thread where you talk more about your early life and these experiences? I'm not interested in the details of the tortures themselves, but rather who these people were, why you were chosen to be a victim, and their reasons for doing such terrible things (if these reasons have since been found). Please pardon me if this request is stepping out of line in any way, I'm inquiring because I haven't encountered online a victim of these tortures who seems as coherent and well-spoken as yourself. I'm certainly aware that torture of this nature is taking place on a massive scale, but I only understand this subject in a very general way.

[Project Willow]

Is there a blog or thread where you talk more about your early life and these experiences? I'm not interested in the details of the tortures themselves, but rather who these people were, why you were chosen to be a victim, and their reasons for doing such terrible things (if these reasons have since been found). Please pardon me if this request is stepping out of line in any way, I'm inquiring because I haven't encountered online a victim of these tortures who seems as coherent and well-spoken as yourself. I'm certainly aware that torture of this nature is taking place on a massive scale, but I only understand this subject in a very general way.

There are bits a pieces here and there that you can find through the links in my signature. I've been threatening to write my memoir for several years now, but I can't write it until I know the whole of the story, and sadly, there is still more to discover, and research as well. I have not completed my forensic travel and documentation effort. It will come eventually.

I can put my bio in a nutshell for you. When I was born, my family was already involved in multi-generational, group exploitation of children, active in a network of sadists that profited from child prostitution and pornography. My mother sold me for use by men both in a bar, and through a connection of my grandfather's to at least one elite pedophile who lived in a mini-mansion off Lake Shore Drive in Detroit. I was only 31/2 to 4 years old. It's my belief that it was this connection that got me into the programs. By programs, I mean sub-projects of the billion dollar a year behavioral and medical experimentation efforts headed by the CIA and DIA at the time. I was tested and apparently I passed with flying colors, because just a year and a half later they moved my family to Alabama so I could be within hours of the facilities in Huntsville and air bases nearby. I was used in the NASA facility for the next 4 years until there was an inter-agency dispute over me. I'm not entirely sure yet, but I believe the dispute came after I was flown to DC and Boston and "demonstrated" to an audience of high ranking program doctors and government officials (yes, I remember who they were). Around this time they started shipping me to New Mexico, and I was tortured by a different head doctor. He did not follow protocol and was not guided by previous work, so he nearly killed me. My family moved back to Detroit then, but this only lasted a year, and then we headed back to Birmingham for another 4 years. At the age of 14 I was put through capping-off procedures, solidifying and securing everything they'd done. My family returned to Detroit when I was 15.

All of the torture procedures I listed above were intended to create dissociative amnesia, to split off parts of myself who were then trained for various purposes. Basically, by taking me so young, and using such extreme aversive conditioning, they had control over how my brain developed and how I was able to use it. I have parts of myself who are expertly trained prostitutes, an engineer with a photographic memory, a systems analyst, and one who speaks fluent French (although she's somewhat limited in what she can say, she was forced to learn lines from a French movie). I have parts who were separated for assassin work, but since I was not a good marksman, they used these parts as internal reporters and enforcers instead. They split off parts of me that had natural tendencies and abilities and then prevented me from using these in the normative world. IOW, I am a living, breathing, manufactured Manchurian Candidate, now retired I might add.

I know how my inaccessible, natural born talents have been twisted and used over the years, but I'm not yet willing to speak publicly about it, though I think I've mentioned it here in one odd comment or another. I'm also not ready to name names. I want to be very sure of everything that happened to me, I don't want to make any mistakes about it in a public revelation. I will tell you that I am so extremely fortunate. I won the genetic lottery when it comes to my brain. It may have taken me 40 years to break through it all in a significant way, but that's understandable, and at least I'm managing to do so. I saw children subjected to the same tortures and they went completely mad, turned into catatonic vegetables, or died. I've met so many survivors who aren't on a healing path, and could never be, for various reasons. I know there are many who will remain unwitting their entire lives.

I also know functioning, outspoken (and brilliant) survivors of these procedures who are a generation older than myself, and I know of people in their early twenties coming forward today. This whole thing has been fully operational since WWII, and it has moved out of the realm of spy craft and into private, and corporate spheres. I know from my own memories that there are federal level politicians who are also products of these programs or similar coercive procedures adapted for use on adults. So even though I began this thread with a personal wail, this isn't about me ultimately, it's about the inherent vulnerabilities of the human mind, and the systematic exploitation of these vulnerabilities, and the hidden corrupting influence of this "tech", which must be exposed, at all costs, for the benefit of future generations.

[82_28]

Besides being condescending , that is quite a tale! What do you suppose though, is the overall motive in all this? Like why do "they" go through so much effort in these acts? I have a billion more questions, but as you said, you have a memoir in the works (back burner) so I'll just leave it alone as far as prying questions.

What a strange, baffling, cruel way to grow up. Yet yeah, since I do know you, you certainly have managed to hold it together through all that bullshit which totally boggles my mind. I fucking don't get it -- how it was even possible for other humans to do such disgusting acts.

Much love, Willow!

[Project Willow]

Much love, Willow!

Love to you 82! And you too Perelandra! I'd do my annual party, and delight in seeing you both and others, but I'm a bit overwhelmed this year.

As to the "why" question, I get that a lot actually. It's all about control. Imagine (if you happened to be sociopathic) having total control over someone else, to say a word or phrase and have them robotically meet several of your most base needs, at will. Imagine being able to abuse a man, woman, or a child with impunity, because they don't remember, and therefore can't go running to the police. That's what it's about, it's contemporary slavery.

As for holding it together, you've only known me in my more (relatively) functional years. I've spent a couple decades worth of time in veritable catatonic states, immobilized for days, weeks, on end, by body memories and flashbacks. Life is getting better every day. In fact, life is a wondrous, marvelous thing when you can inhabit your Self fully. It's really beautiful, you know?

[Twyla LaSarc]

Willow-

It is hard to know what to say about torture, or anything else these days. I suppose from the vantage point of knowing that this was all going on forever, the slow awakening of the public is both a relief and a frustration. I am glad you are here and in a position to relate the experience.

If you are not up to the winter party, perhaps we can schedule a winter get together elsewhere? Perhaps a meet up at the saloon or restaurant?

In the meantime, take care of yourself and have a good holiday.

[LilyPatToo]

It's taken me an hour, Willow, to be able to type a reply, but I wanted to thank you for putting into words the mishmash of emotions that the current national focus on torture has created in me. And I wish I could just give you a hug in thanks for your bravery in first surviving, then remembering and then speaking out.

Maybe this torture scandal will at the very least get it through to more people that we share the planet with legions of depraved, amoral sociopaths who look and act in public like normal human beings. They live among us and copy our behaviors so well that, unless you've been their victim, it's damned hard to believe that whatshisname down the street is the walking embodiment of evil. Let them find a well-funded agency where their worst impulses are rewarded and you get true monsters.

LilyPat

[jcivil]

My ignorance being vast and deep, I never know what is true, what is disinfo, what is a limited hangout, what is rumor.

I read Trance - Formation, Thanks for the memories, Secret - Don't Tell, Lab USA, .... and while there seems to be truth and lies in these sources... confusion is their objective realized.

So, you and all victims need to name names... and not in "public", just to circles of friends... get the word out, not in actionable fashion for the lawyers, but in actionable fashion for the revolutionary love front.

I work in personal change and must suggest Time Line Therapy/Time Empowerment for any victim who wants to take charge of their state. Also NLP and self-hypnosis....

Still, I also work in nano science fields, and see the growing ability of machines to read brain states.

Now, the potential for abuse of these technologies is vast, yet it also has the capacity to reveal the sick bastards who degrade our entire societies for millennia. Silver lining of the techno shit storm.

Because it must not go on. We must fight the madness with full love and determination, we must get inside their guard.

We are everywhere.

People of conscience only need info and targets. Don't wait. Out all of the degenerate abusers. The victims have more friends than they could ever imagine, they just need point one finger.

One Love.

P.S. (Nasty follows- be warned) I was offered a child in Chenai, India. I asked for more selection and was taken to a house with a choice of eleven kids. I took the guards weapon and sterilized the house without a second thought. Left it burning with the kids on the lawn. God knows what happened to the kids, I could not decide if the cops or the parents would be worse... Maybe I just did it for me... dunno at this point... just put the word out on the street... it is all anyone believes anymore anyway...

[BrandonD]

It's taken me an hour, Willow, to be able to type a reply, but I wanted to thank you for putting into words the mishmash of emotions that the current national focus on torture has created in me. And I wish I could just give you a hug in thanks for your bravery in first surviving, then remembering and then speaking out.

Maybe this torture scandal will at the very least get it through to more people that we share the planet with legions of depraved, amoral sociopaths who look and act in public like normal human beings. They live among us and copy our behaviors so well that, unless you've been their victim, it's damned hard to believe that whatshisname down the street is the walking embodiment of evil. Let them find a well-funded agency where their worst impulses are rewarded and you get true monsters.

LilyPat

This torture subject really brings to mind the Gnostic concept of Adamic and pre-Adamic man. In the Gnostic cosmology there were human beings on the earth before Adam, they were biologically identical to post-Adam humans in every way except that they had no soul and no empathy, they could commit inconceivable brutal deeds and feel no remorse. According to the Gnostics, Adam represented the divine spark entering the human form - but over time the two groups intermingled and were essentially indistinguishable from one another.

This cosmology really seems to reflect the world today, with this segment of people in society doing things that most of us are incapable of believing because we can't even conceive that humans would be capable of such things. It's like these certain people are so incredibly divergent that they are almost a different species.

[cptmarginal]

Thanks for the harsh and sobering reminder, Project Willow. The people I've learned about and the information I've digested over the years as a result of visiting this forum have led me to suspect that this, in an oddly alarming sense, is one of the key political issues. And yeah, this forum is the only place I've found that takes, on balance, an adequately hard look at the actual details and implications (and disinformation)

My starting point to introduce uninformed or skeptical people to this topic is, firstly, the 1970s Rockefeller Commission. But also the 1990s Advisory Committee on Human Radiation Experiments. The final report didn't have much to say about these programs, but the testimony to the committee sure did (also learned about this from PW )

http://members.tranquility.net/~rwinkel ... ansc03.htm

I am going to start. My name is Valerie Wolf. In listening to the testimony today, it all sounds really familiar. I am here to talk about a possible link between radiation and mind control experimentation that began in the late 1940's. The main reason that mind control research is being mentioned is because people are alleging that they were exposed as children to mind control, radiation, and chemical experimentation which were administered by the same doctors who were known to be involved in conducting both radiation and mind control research. Written documentation has been provided revealing the names of people, and the names of research projects in statements from people across the country. It is also important to understand mind control techniques and follow-ups into adulthood may have been used to intimidate particular research subjects into not talking about their victimization in government research. As a therapist for the past twenty-two years, I have specialized in treating victims and perpetrators of trauma, and their families. When word got out that I was appearing at this hearing, nearly forty therapists across the country (and I had about a week and a half to prepare) contacted me to talk about clients who had reported being subjected to radiation and mind control experiments. The consistency of people's stories about the purpose of the mind control and pain induction techniques, such as electric shock, use of hallucinogens, sensory deprivation, hypnosis, dislocation of limbs, and sexual abuse is remarkable.

There is almost nothing published on this aspect of mind control abuse with children, and these clients come from all over the country having had no contact with each other.

"Acres of Skin" is a good grounding point for the topic of human experimentation, as well. I shy away at first from even such well-sourced books as those by John Marks and Walter Bowart, or speculation about Sirhan. As soon as people hear the phrase "Manchurian candidate," they tend to have some pretty automatic preconceived ideas, and the same goes for any Kennedy assassination talk. Why bother giving people the chance to reject all of this out of hand? Instead you can lead strongly with very difficult to dispute information.

I try to completely avoid Trance Formation et al in talking about this, but I do pay attention to those horror shows as well. Just like how I make it a point to read the claims of "Illuminati whistleblowers" with interest but would never advocate on their behalf. Perhaps that is a tangentially related topic, though, since it seems like part of the motivation for the American secret state's sadism is that we essentially have royal families here. And our brand of royalty is much the same as that in Europe and elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

It's all getting easier and easier for people to see as time goes by. What's happening right now in the UK is a great example of why that is.