“Why do I have to have THIS general telling me what to do, trying all the time to make me look stupid?” One source confided. Aids tried to reassure the president that Kelly wants to keep America White, just like him, but that he is only trying to direct the press into the conscious posture that the White House is operating according to a rational, well-conceived set of policies being developed and executed according to a complex political stratagem. The president reportedly said " You think my base cares about that?"
Several sources within the White House are saying that President Trump will soon accept the resignation of General John Kelly. The announcement has been delayed because it took Trump’s top aids several hours to convince him that General Kelly could not be replaced by General Mills. Knowing better than to remind the president that General Mills is not a person, since Trump would argue corporations have been granted personhood, they instead took the track with the president that General Mills, although “he” would not be a contradictory distraction as was Kelly, would likewise not be able to protect the president from the insurgence of other fake news players such as deep state spy Michael Wolff. The compromise was reached between top aids and Trump that yes, a so called real person would have to replace Kelly but at the same time a new WH office would be created titled, “The Office of Nondisclosure” or The NDA. The president was very fond of this idea, but had to be told that no, leakers could not be summarily executed in the Rose Garden, and that bringing Ted Nuggent on the White House grounds to kill people with a bow and arrow was tempting, but the optics were prohibitive.
The second stage of the compromise is that, as we all know, the Navy has a lot of egg on its face and something has to be done to rebuild the image of our patriotic sailor heroes. Therefore, sources disclose, the president met almost no resistance when he suggested the Navy no be helmed by Captain Crunch. A cabinet member who spoke on background verified that Trump insisted on Crunch and that no one in the cabinet meeting voiced any concern about such an appointment.
According to this source, Trump will direct Captain Crunch to reform the structure and mission of the Navy. “We will wow the world with what we are about to do!” The president is quoted as saying, after he went on for more than twenty minutes ranting about why there are no cruise ships in the navy. Trump apparently plans on directing Captain Crunch to commission a new, twenty first century vessel that will convert the USS Yorktown currently mothballed as a tourist destination in Charleston, SC. The ship is to be re-christend as the USS Trump. The president promised, “it will be the biggest, the best, the most amazing thing anyone has ever seen in the history of civilization!” Plans call for 5,000 guest quarters, smoke stacks in the shape of Trump Tower, and embedded with 27 Tomahawk Cruiseship Missiles, 16 MK 48 Heavy Torpedoes and a bevy of sophisticated artillery designed to destroy competing resort installations. There will be festive observation decks so “real Americans, red blooded patriots” can watch as the best and brightest of America sails forth to engage the world. Complimentary chicken balls will be included with the $1,400 per day base rate. The first tour will be known as the “Who’s Your Daddy?” Guests will pay extra for night shellings and missile firings on “a wide variety of global shitholes”. Premium Diamond Packages will, on a side room of the casino, allow guests to view the torture and execution of suspected terrorists, leakers, and journalists, when available. The ship should gross around $9,000,000 per day of which Trumpco is expected to get 23% in licensing fees.
As news of this spread in the White House there was an understandable uproar among the press corps, but by the end of the day most of them seemed to accept these developments as part of having, as Sara Huckabee Sanders said “an unusal president who does things his own way.” She reminded them how disgusting and undeserving they are to be in the WH and that they’re lucky they're not all in a prison camp. She told one Bloomberg reporter to sit down and shut up when he asked if this was all some kind of joke.
“No,” Ms. Huckabee Sanders answered, “It is not a joke. I would remind you of how I got my job. When I first met the president he asked me if I was related to the Colonel. Of course, my initial reaction was to laugh and say funny, ha ha. But I was told the President is always serious and believes everything that comes out of his mouth is true and real, honest, and irrefutable even if the previous thing that came out of his mouth was the exact opposite. So I said, ‘yeah, he’s my uncle. Love his little pea pickin' heart. Sealed the deal right there.’ So don’t talk to me about what is or isn’t real or funny. I’m up here, and you schmucks are out there. Deal with it!”
Now that the president has been confirmed to be of sound mind and body, political experts are saying, he should be able to charge full speed ahead to gloriously implementing his no nonsense agenda that will make America great again.
We reached out to the office of Captain Crunch but his representatives say he is too busy to respond.
