by professorpan » Tue Jul 19, 2005 10:47 am
<!--EZCODE IMAGE START--><img src="http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000009SY.01._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg" style="border:0;"/><!--EZCODE IMAGE END--><br><br>Act II<br><br>SCENE NINE<br>A TOKEN OF MY EXTREME<br><br>Arriving at L. Ron Hoover's modernistic office / cathedral / ware-house /<br>condominium complex, Joe is greeted by a pre-recorded message and<br>a dramatically illuminated image on a wall-sized TV screen...<br><br>L. RON HOOVER:<br>Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology!<br>The WHITE ZONE is for loading and unloading only!<br><br>Don't you be<br>Tarot-fied<br>It's just a token of my extreme<br>Don't you be<br>Tarot-fied<br>It's just a token of my extreme<br>Don't you never try to look behind my eyes<br>You don t wanna know what they have seen<br>Don't you never try to look behind my eyes<br>You don't wanna know what they have seen<br><br>JOE: (thinking to himself)<br>Some people think<br>That if they go too far<br>They'll never get back<br>To where the rest of them are<br>I might be crazy<br>But there's one thing I know<br>You might be surprised<br>At what you find when ya go!<br><br>And thus, having rationalized his expedition to L. Ron's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, JOE seeks The Answer to his problem...<br><br>JOE:<br>Oh oh oh<br>Mystical Advisor<br>What is my problem, tell me<br>Can you see?<br><br>L. RON HOOVER:<br>Well, you have nothing to fear, my son!<br>You are a Latent Appliance Fetishist, It appears to me!<br><br>JOE:<br>That all seems very, very strange<br>I never craved a toaster<br>Or a color T. V.<br><br>L. RON HOOVER:<br>A Latent Appliance Fetishist<br>Is a person who refuses to admit to his or herself<br>That sexual gratification can only be achieved<br>Through the use of MACHINES... Get the picture?<br><br>JOE:<br>Are you telling me<br>I should come out of the closet now Mr. Ron?<br><br>L. RON HOOVER:<br>No, my son!<br>You must go into THE CLOSET<br>And you will have<br>A lot of fun!<br>That's where they all live<br>So if you want an<br>Appliance to love you<br>You'll have to go in there<br>N' get you one<br><br>JOE:<br>Well...that seems simple enough...<br><br>L. RON HOOVER:<br>Yes, but if you want a really GOOD one,<br>You'll have to learn a foreign language...<br><br>JOE:<br>German, for instance?<br><br>L. RON HOOVER:<br>That's right...<br>A lot of really cute ones come from over there!<br>(Fifty bucks, please)<br><br>And a cheerful group of Appliantologists dance into the room wearing<br>aluminum foil lab smocks, lock arms in a circle around JOE, making<br>sure he pays in full, all the while singing with L. RON as he delivers<br>nis final instructions...<br><br>L. RON HOOVER:<br>If you been<br>Mod-O-fied,<br>It's an illusion,<br>an yer in between<br>Don't you be<br>Tarot-fied,<br>It's just a lot of nothin,'<br>So what can it mean?<br>If you been<br>Mod-O-fied,<br>It's an illusion,<br>an yer in between<br>Don't you be<br>Tarot-fied,<br>It's just a lot of nothin,<br>So what can it mean?<br>(etc., etc., etc.)<br><br>JOE leaves the First Church of Appliantology and sets out to try L. RON s expensive advice<br><br>CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER:<br>This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER... Joe has just learned to speak<br>German Now, get this, heres why he did it! He's gonna go to this club on<br>the other side of town, it's called THE CLOSET...<br><br>And they got these Appliances in there that really go for a guy dressed up like a housewife who can speak German (you know what I mean)... so Joe's learned how to speak German, he goes in this place and he sees these little Kitchen Machineries dancing around with each other, and he<br>sees this one...that looks like it's a cross between an industrial vacuum<br>cleaner and a chrome piggy bank with marital aids stuck all over its body... it's really exciting... and when he sees it, he BURSTS INTO SONG... <p></p><i></i>