How I Became an Atheist

[Laodicean]

On edit: I couldn't have made this story up from my lackluster imagination. No, I had to experience it in real time, and in living color, for me to believe it. I wish like hell I had dreamt it.

No separation.  On the Soul level: you did (are) imagine(ing) It, you did (are) experience(ing) It, you did (are) believe(ing) It.  You did (are) dream(ing)...It.  Life Is.  It is.  USE your (Imagination/Dreams/Will/Life's) Self Given faculties to Create a better Experience for You and the Ones you Are sharing This Experience with, right Now.  You have already been doing It. The secret is to Be aware of It.

I can only dream/imagine to be as strong as you some day (lifetime), Neon.  You've found each other at the perfect time in your lives.  There are no coincidences.  Helping your self will help each other, and vise-versa.

Love brings us together (gives) and tears us a part (takes).  Impossible to be apart.

Giving much love and respect to you, man.  The best advice we've all heard before, whether you believe in God (yourself) or not - follow your heart. Your ass and head will follow...sometimes kicking and screaming.



Pearl Jam - Who You Are: http://youtu.be/dcOW7rHIkhw

[Laodicean]

They say suicide is taking the "easy way out". I think It's the hardest way. And rightfully so.

On edit: To add... be cause:

Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart http://youtu.be/zuuObGsB0No

[NeonLX]

That's some good stuff, Laodicean. I mean, Really Good Stuff.

I love being a dad to our wonderful daughter, but it's been very difficult for me to remain a good husband. I feel selfish and guilty about it.

[Searcher08]

NeonLX, I just wanted to say thank you for being on the the most decent kindest posters here. You land with me as someone who really looks for the best in people; I remember doing a process where I looked at a persons posts on RI, just went back over them and yours, on a couple of occasions were the only thing that kept me around here.

If your friend has pneumonia, it is really important to establish if it is AIDS related (PCP) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PCP_pneumonia
and to check her T-Cells and Viral load, because life will be different if it turns out she has AIDS, not just HIV - my own former partner, she had Non-hodgkins lymphoma which turned out to be an AIDS defining illness, that was in 2000 and she is still around and feisty

I had a decades worth of experience around it, For what it's worth, as a non HIV partner of a HIV person. If I can be of service in any way, just PM me.

You might find some of Bruce Moen's after-life research very interesting, regarding why shit is so fucked up here... http://www.afterlife-knowledge.com/index.html

...or at least no longer believing in the "benevolent God" bullshit.

This really isn't about religion so much, but it kinda is.

If "god" exists, then he's a cruel rat bastard. Long story short: I tried to commit suicide about a year ago. It obviously didn't work (too drunk at the time to pull it off). After that, I was diagnosed with severe depression and got put on meds and therapy. I joined a depression support group where I met a woman who became very dear to me. She had tried to commit suicide as well, many times. Her mom had prostituted her when she was a kid. She was repeatedly subjected to violent rapes with her mom watching. She got pregnant at the age of 10. TEN. As you'd expect, she had complications from the birth and her uterus was removed. She went nuts and was institutionalized for awhile--big shock--but eventually she wound up in foster homes. After a time, she was able to function pretty well, considering.

She's smart and funny. But very scarred.

We got to be friends and supported each other through a lot of tough shit. It was my friendship with her that led to my impending divorce. I'm moving out of the house tomorrow, after 32 years of marriage.

Last weekend, my daughter helped my soon-to-be-ex hack into my email. Once she got in, she then sent a nasty message to this friend, telling her what a whore she is and also wishing that she would catch a deadly disease and die a miserable death (hang onto that thought for a second).

Backing up two weeks, my friend came down with particularly nasty pneumonia. Coughing up blood and all that. She couldn't shake it so late last week, they did some blood tests. Guess what? She's HIV positive. As a result of the rapes she endured when she was younger. And after all she has been through already.

So my estranged wife's nasty email message gets delivered to my friend shortly before the blood test results came in. And then...

At this point, I'm not sure I want to exist in this universe anymore. It's too fucked up.
If there is a god, he's one sadistic mother fucker. Just ask the millions of people who are starving to death right now, as they helplessly watch their loved ones die.

On edit: I couldn't have made this story up from my lackluster imagination. No, I had to experience it in real time, and in living color, for me to believe it. I wish like hell I had dreamt it.

[JackRiddler]

I'm sorry. I may not have anything more useful to say. But I am. I hope from here things work out toward better times for you, your friend, your daughter, even your ex-wife...

[NeonLX]

Thanks Searcher08, I appreciate that info. I'm moving right now so can't investigate further until I'm in the new place. But it looks like good info. Thanks again!

[NeonLX]

...and thanks, JackR. The past few weeks have been one helluva ride.

I'm now in my new place. Seems like some really nice neighbors; lots of retired people.

Now I have to get a cat and a window air conditioner to really make it seem like home.